By Jim Mullen
Updated October 17, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Cruising toward victory, the novice politico was still groping for a message.

2 BILLY JOEL The piano man broke his wrist while inspecting some construction work on one of his properties. Inspiring his new song, ”What the…Aiiyiyiyow!”

3 INTOLERABLE CRUELTY It’s what people from other states call having to watch the news about the California election.

4 P. DIDDY Sean John is serious about running the New York City Marathon this November. He’s been out in his sedan chair training every day.

5 KILL BILL Uma Thurman gets back at the people who killed everyone in her wedding party. She should have checked the caterer’s references.

6 UPSCALES A report says customers spend more in restaurants that play classical music. Can you sing ”Want fries with that?” like Beethoven’s Ninth?

7 GHETTOPOLY A fast-selling board game that takes place in a black community filled entirely with thug rap stereotypes. White hoods sold separately.

8 ELTON JOHN VS. DENNIS MILLER The British pop star said the conservative comic is the reason the rest of the world hates America. Kind of lets Bush off the hook, doesn’t it?

9 GOOD BOY! Dogs from outer space wanted to take over Earth. They’d make us their slaves and we’d have to feed them and walk them and play fetch and…omigod! They did take over!

10 RUSH LIMBAUGH A former maid alleges that she supplied him with prescription drugs. Hmm…does she do windows?