Drake's brilliant plan? Lose on purpose! And since that was Burton's genius idea, he totally deserved to be voted off, says Dalton Ross
Burton Roberts, Survivor: Pearl Islands
Credit: Burton Roberts: Monty Brinton

Drake’s brilliant plan? Lose on purpose!

Question: If I challenge Shaquille O’Neal to a little game of one-on-one, and he doesn’t show up, does that mean I beat his three-time NBA champion ass? That’s sort of the way I felt watching that ridiculous immunity challenge between Morgan and Drake. Drake decided they were tired of winning and needed to shake things up a bit by losing, so they sat out their two strongest members (Burton and Rupert) in a competition determined purely on physical strength.

Now both those members are gone (Burton voted out; Rupert stolen by Morgan for a few days), other teams members (Jon) are showing up wasted for tribal council, and they have gone from a possible commanding four person advantage to only two. WHOOPS! Be careful what you ask for.

Truly, throwing the challenge was an idiotic idea, and Burton deserves to be voted out for even broaching the subject. They had Morgan drowning out there — LITERALLY! Yes, Osten (who, for all you newbies, keeps getting saved due to his supposed physical prowess) once again determined his worthlessness in the game by yelping ”I need help!” while treading water during the reward challenge and requiring two tribemates to swim out and save him.

Now, I’m not here to make fun of people not being able to swim. Hell, I can’t rollerblade! (Granted, rollerblading is slightly geekier, but still.) Yet once again, this clown has been kept around because he’s such a supposed stud in physical tasks yet he fails EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! Also, if he can’t swim, why was he even out there? He could’ve just spent his turn grabbing the puzzle pieces buried on the beach.

But enough about Osten. Seriously?ENOUGH! Let’s talk about the Drake tribe a moment. Like I said, they wanted the consequences of losing and now they have them. They are missing their two strongest members, and, even worse, they’re stuck with that clown Jon Dalton. Probst told us flat-out before the season that he hated this guy, and that’s certainly no secret now after watching his verbal smack down of the pro wrestling protégé (he used to work for Rowdy Roddy Piper and did one wack-ass Randy ”Macho Man” Savage impersonation) at tribal council. Jon thinks he’s being the kooky, zany ”Survivor” contestant audiences either love (Greg from Borneo) or love to hate (Rob from the Amazon). Instead, he’s just the contestant audiences hate. I still don’t know what the hell was up with those lame pseudo-gang sets he was tossing around at T.C.

Well, at least I know who he is. Michelle, on the other hand?? Seriously, where the hell did this woman come from? I honestly don’t remember ever seeing her before in my life, which is to say, the past month’s worth of episodes. She might not be around long anyway, considering she was the only tribe member on Burton’s side. (Even his frat boy brother Shawn voted against him. Ouch.) One guy we should still be seeing for a while is Rupert. While Rupert’s apparent lack of deceitfulness and obvious strength may work against him down the stretch, for now everyone wants a piece of him (and his skirt).

I’m not sure how his little jaunt over to Morgan will help or hurt him. On one hand, he gets to make friendly with people he may need to use later on. On the other, his being away from his tribemates makes it easy for them to conspire against him. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. Let’s also hope he doesn’t get infected by the highly contagious loser virus which seems to have spread wildly over his new hosts. Speaking of losers, anytime you want that rematch, Shaq, just give a holler. We’ll see if you can handle my boy Rupert on the hardwood. And when I say ”hardwood” I’m not making any reference to what’s going on under that skirt.

Survivor: Pearl Islands
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