By Jim Mullen
Updated September 26, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 THE BENNIFER WEDDING Is it postponed or off entirely? Who cares? This has more drama than any of their movies!

2 MARRIAGE COUNSELING Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. Like David Gest. Or Billy Bob Thornton. Or Dennis Rodman. Or Michael Jackson. Or…

3 PRENUPTIAL DISAGREEMENT? ”What the hell do you mean you want half my T-shirt sales, strip-club boy? You’re lucky you don’t get half my hand upside your head!”

4 THE DRESS Does it really matter whether it was Vera Wang or Versace? All we know is it was going to be frontless.

5 TABLOID HEAVEN ”Did an Alien Come Between J. Lo and Ben?” ”J. Lo’s Wild Night With Gray Davis!” ”Ben Receives Penis Enlargement E-mail!”

6 WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH ALL THIS FOOD? They’ve donated the wedding cake to a less fortunate bride, one who could spend only $60,000 on her wedding.

7 RETURNING THE GIFTS Dear Britney, Thanks for the toaster — and I hope you kept the receipt so you can return it. I never used it. I don’t know how. Love, Jenny

8 MIAMI What the hell is J.Lo even doing there during a hurricane? Actually, it figures she headed right into the middle of the latest big media obsession.

9 LAST-MINUTE JITTERS ”Is this the woman I want screaming and yelling at me for the rest of my life? Should I have had that ninth cup of coffee?”

10 WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE THIS STORY GO AWAY? Nuclear war? Our sun going supernova? A Hilton sister staying at Motel 6? Oh, look, a butterfly…