The lessons we learned from summer entertainment -- Here's what we gleaned about gay people, the beach, and our self-worth from the season's music, movies, and TV

By Tim Carvell
Updated September 12, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT
From Justin to Kelly
Credit: From Justin to Kelly: John Farmer

The lessons we learned from summer entertainment

It may seem like we spent our summer shivering in multiplexes and shoveling ice cream into our pie holes in front of the TV, but we were actually learning things — important things! Herewith, a sampling of our newly acquired knowledge.

• Albert Brooks is far more appealing with fins than without. — ”Finding Nemo,” ”The In-Laws”

• If you put Harrison Ford next to Josh Hartnett, you can make Harrison Ford look 80 and Josh Hartnett look 12. — ”Hollywood Homicide”

• Gay people are magic! — ”Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”

• Gay people are morons. — ”Boy Meets Boy”

• If you pay her enough, you can get an Oscar winner to appear in just about anything. — ”X2”

• Anything. — ”The Hulk”

• L.A.’s subway system was built for the sole purpose of hosting chase scenes. — ”Hollywood Homicide,” ”The Italian Job,” ”S.W.A.T.”

• Eyeliner is totally badass. — ”Pirates of the Caribbean”

• Evidently, women don’t like being broken up with via Post-it. — ”Sex and the City”

• I am beautiful. — Christina Aguilera

• Congressional aides can address a joint session of both houses with surprising ease. — ”Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde”

• Beaches are full of attractive young people waiting to burst into song and dance. All you have to do is stroll up and join them. — ”From Justin to Kelly,” ”Gigli”

• If you make a joke about ”From Justin to Kelly” and ”Gigli” — even an astute one — nobody will get it, because nobody saw either movie.