By Jim Mullen
Updated June 27, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 WOODY ALLEN The French have hired the comic cradle-robber to improve their image in America. First choices Robert Blake and O.J. turned them down.

2 THE MATRIX RELOADED It’s banned in Egypt because it implies that a computer runs the world. And because it sucks.

3 FRANK SINATRA Dead five years, he’ll be digitally re-created for an 11-day gig at Radio City. Then they can digitally re-create my fanny to sit in one of the $95 seats.

4 ALEX & EMMA A writer pens a book about the stenog he hires to help him write a book. I’ve hired someone to watch the movie for me.

5 FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY A Beach Blanket Bingo-type movie with the American Idol alums. They’re already being offered $20 each for the sequel.

6 ANGELINA JOLIE & NIC CAGE The rumor is that these two are an item. Because they enjoy the same things — short, intense relationships with acrimonious, headline-grabbing breakups.

7 DUSTIN HOFFMAN The Tootsie star is dying to play Liberace in an upcoming movie. Combining his loves of heavy makeup, sequined outfits, and cheesy piano music.

8 CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE There’s something about tough, smart, young, sexy, beautiful, butt-kicking women that men find irresistible. Imagine that.

9 MISSING LINKS They’ve found early human bones in Ethiopia that are 160,000 years old. We know they weren’t modern humans because they wore trucker’s hats.

10 SEAN ”SUV” COMBS He’s offering his own line of specially equipped Lincoln Navigators, selling at $85,000 apiece. The outrageous thing is that it doesn’t even include rust proofing.

Homer Simpson leads ”greatest American” BBC poll; Abe Lincoln is