Why actors shouldn't quit their day jobs

By Noah Robischon
Updated May 09, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT

Two turntables and a microphone? Bah! Not only does this setup not make you Beck, actors and actresses, it also does not make you a DJ. Over the last year or so, many of you muckety-muck Hollywood types have invaded the clubs with your less-than-mad skills, more than willing to drop a needle to vinyl. But you, you are not DJs.

You have sullied the mix master’s booth, Misses Klum and Swain. With you it is now becoming the source of more embarrassing performances than Rosanna Arquette’s overheated performance in Crash.

Miss Arquette, you and Ione Skye have dated musicians. Talented ones. Granted. But you look as relaxed behind the mixer as a pilot landing a 747 without engines. You, ladies, are not DJs.

Danny Masterson and Eric Balfour, you are TV stars whose music creds appear to begin and end with Masterson’s cohosting a Woodstock ’99 special on Fox. You are by no means DJs.

Bernie Mac, you are a talented comedian who will do a terrific turn this summer as Bosley’s brother. Period.

Prince Charles, on the other hand — the modern gramophone device is deft under your masterly yet majestic command. Godspeed to you, sir.