April 25, 2003 at 04:00 AM EDT

”It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.” TINA FEY on SNL

”While inspecting the Baghdad airport, troops stumbled upon Saddam Hussein’s personal lounge. Among the luxuries found: diamond-encrusted, year-old copies of INSTYLE and, of course, the oil bidet.” JON STEWART on The Daily Show

”And that, ladies and gentlemen, answers the question ‘Why do we drink?”’ Raymond (RAY ROMANO), after his squabbling parents (DORIS ROBERTS and PETER BOYLE) left the room, on Everybody Loves Raymond

”Coming into this game, the only spears I knew were Britney, broccoli, and asparagus.” ROB, confessing his ignorance of an indigenous weapon, on Survivor: The Amazon

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