March 17, 2003 at 05:00 AM EST

If there’s a ratings war between reality TV and scripted sitcoms, then Wanda Sykes is the latter’s George S. Patton: a foulmouthed general in a crusade against evil. Take, for example, the promo for her new sitcom, ”Wanda at Large” (March 26), in which Sykes dubs ”Joe Millionaire” ”Bitches Love Money.” invited General Sykes to share how she REALLY feels about ”American Idol,” ”The Bachelorette,” and the rest of reality TV’s biggest players.

American Idol (Fox)
Why don’t we do ”American Idol Meets Parole Board”? The convicts come up and sing a little song, do a little dance. Then America gets to vote if they get out or not. If Charles Manson can carry a tune, he’s a free man.

Joe Millionaire (Fox)
I just hate seeing all these shows with dumb women. I don’t know any women [who thought he was hot], but there must be a bunch of ’em out there. I guess he IS a good-looking guy… in a dumb, big, dumb, brainless kind of way.

Married by America (Fox)
Arranged marriages are big in Middle Eastern countries. We do [this show] and wonder why they hate us. We’re making their culture into a game show. And whatever happened to winning the washer and dryer? Bob Barker has been on the air for, what…like, 100 years? It worked because he never says, ”You’ve won a brand new husband!” He gives you the trip.

All American Girl (ABC)
They win a management contract, but to do WHAT? You can check the classifieds, but I don’t know how many jobs are looking for ”The All American Girl” where you get to keep your clothes on.

I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! (ABC)
Why are people voting these ”celebs” off? Wouldn’t it be cool to just leave them there? If I’m out there, I want Martha Stewart out there, too. She can fix up the joint. Make it homey. Cook a nice meal. Maybe she knows how to do something with rat.

Are You Hot? The Search for America’s Sexiest People (ABC)
Right, ‘cuz [judge] Lorenzo Lamas is hot. Shouldn’t he be in the jungle with those C-list celebrities?

Meet the Folks (NBC)
It’s like ”Who Gets to Bang My Daughter?,” pretty much.

American Candidate (FX)
So, the same group of people who voted — who was it? — Justin on ”American Idol”? They’ll pick a president? Well, this is how the political process is supposed to work, right? They can call it ”Let’s F— Up Again.”

The Bachelorette (ABC)
Is it THAT hard to date these days? These are ALL just people who want to be on TV. If they went for an audition for an acting job, they wouldn’t get it — ‘cuz they suck.

You May Like