What the country is talking about this week...

By Jim Mullen
Updated November 22, 2002 at 05:00 AM EST

1 HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS People who haven’t read the book think it takes place in a bathroom.

2 EMMY AWARDS The networks think it’s unfair that HBO tried to outbid them for the celeb-packed show. Because it’s like comparing apples with much better apples.

3 PRINCESS DI’S BUTLER His duties included opening the door, polishing the silver, and remembering who was sleeping with whom.

4 MR. AND MR. NASH Steve Martin will produce a series about two gay interior designers who solve crimes. Like, who bought this wallpaper? Book ’em, Dano!

5 8 MILE The Eminem vehicle grossed $51 million its first weekend. Because most of his fans had already seen Jackass the Movie.

6 JENNIFER LOPEZ & BEN AFFLECK This sounds like the real thing. It could last two, maybe even three years. Start your office pool now.

7 SHARON OSBOURNE The missus is launching her own talk show. It’s going to be called %^*$# #&%@!

8 ASIAN CARP The 50-plus-pound fish that can leap 10 feet into the air and knock fishermen into the water. Evolution or revenge?

9 GUNS N’ ROSES Axl Rose is back on the tour, still showing up for concerts hours late if at all. With that kind of attitude, he might as well get a real job.

10 JURASSIC PARK 4 It’s reportedly in the works. The hard part will be finding someone dumb enough to go back to those islands after what happened the first three times.

11 HALLE BERRY They may be spinning off her Die Another Day character into a female Bond series. But first she has to get her Learner’s Permit to Kill.

12 RALPHIE Tony Soprano beat him to death and then had him cut up into little pieces. Now we know why HBO didn’t want this shown in restaurants.

13 BOBBY BROWN Mr. Whitney Houston was nabbed on a possession charge. On his way to a Darryl Strawberry fan club meeting.

14 JACK LALANNE The original television fitness guru recently turned a healthy, active 88. He says he’s looking forward to being middle-aged.

15 STAN LEE Marvel says it doesn’t owe Spider-Man’s creator any movie royalties, because the $404 million-grossing hit never made a profit. That takes an accountant with superpowers.

Daily entertainment news and more at ew.com (AOL Keyword: EW)