Seven lessons we learned from ''The Bachelor'' -- Caroline Kepnes recounts the moral of the story when 23 rejected women gather to dish about love
The Bachelor
Credit: The Bachelor: Craig Sjodin

Seven lessons we learned from ”The Bachelor”

As supercharismatic host Chris Whatshisface said at the beginning of Nov. 13’s ”The Bachelor” reunion clip show, ”The claws are out!” But because the rose ceremony rejects were forced to remain seated — unlike on, say, ”The Jerry Springer Show” — we did not get much hair pulling. Still, you can always learn something watching 23 women rehash the war they all lost for one man.

Christi is even crazier than we thought.
We knew she was a go-get-’em girl. But didn’t you just love Miss Idaho’s ”excuses”? On trying to lasso Aaron into submission with her tongue at Napa Valley: too much booze. On manhandling him onto a merry-go-round: just 2 enthoooozed. And that defensive cackle: ”I’ve never boiled a bunny.” Right.

Aaron totally regrets dumping Gwen.
My heart stopped going out to Aaron shortly after his 600,000th trip to the hot tub. But Wednesday night, the chemistry between him and Gwen was just too much to take. Did you see him stare at her? Did you see the REGRET written all over his usually expressionless face?

I am really happy I will never have to know Suzanne.
The world does not need another poker-faced toughie. Forget that this camera hog could probably beat me (and you, sucka!) to a pulp. We knew she had an eighth-grade sense of passive-aggressive humor (”Aren’t there like no women in Idaho?”). But to act like she wasn’t aware of the tension between her and Christi? Oh, we should all thank God we do not work with this woman.

Heather doesn’t understand the human body.
The Texas tart (of the ”I see the white picket fence. I see the wife. I see the mother” monologue) earlier said on camera that she wanted to fatten the bachelorettes up. Then Wednesday night, she was all ”No, I didn’t.” Honey child is a few strips o’ bacon short of a Denny’s Grand Slam.

You do not mess with Articulate Anindita.
Sometimes zingers just speak for themselves: ”Aaron says I was stirring the pot, but he was sticking his tongue in two girls’ mouths.” How Anindita got into the show with her ability to speak in complete sentences is beyond me.

Aaron is a robot.
Were it not for that moment between him and Gwen, I would really believe that Aaron was manufactured in a secret warehouse at Disney’s Pixar studio. Heather’s sitting there sobbing. Aaron’s stone-faced. Christi is crushed. Again, stone-faced. And my goodness, no wonder his two picks are such polar opposites: Bossy and Smart Helene vs. Submissive and Sweet Brooke.

Lenny Bruce was right: Women are %^*#$%@ evil and men are *#@$^%$ stupid.
I’m scared for Chris as well as the excitable studio audience. Didn’t you think that Suzanne was going to rip Christi’s Idaho chippie hair out as soon as the cameras turned off? Don’t you just bet that Heather arrived with a tray of diarrhea-inducing brownies? And much as I like Gwen, there was something a tad deranged about her: The Cinderella-interrupted thing she had going on with the turtleneck get-up and the lack of rage. Somebody please steal her prescription to Xanax. And tell Aaron to just jump her bones already.

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