A day-to-day guide to notable programs. Times are Eastern standard and are subject to change.

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MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY November 7

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Let me get this straight: Freddie Prinze Jr. guest-stars as a sensitive nanny on Friends? C’mon, he’s such a bad actor he couldn’t play a sensitive friend on The Nanny. Get it? No? Well, it made my editor chuckle.

8-9PM SURVIVOR (CBS) I met Jeff Probst a few weeks ago at lunch and he was still all pissed off at me for making him ”Out” in a Shaw Report from, like, a year ago.

8-10PM GALAXY QUEST (ABC, TV-PG) If you can manage to overlook Tim Allen’s presence, this Trek parody starring Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman is pretty damn funny.

9-10PM FUNNIEST ANIMALS (Fox, TV-PG) Who among us doesn’t long for the days when we’d all gather around the TV to watch When Animals Attack?

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-LV) If this concept keeps rocking, maybe Les Moonves will spin it off again. I’d like to offer my hometown for CSI: Scotch Plains, N.J. ’cause the supposedly tame towns are where all the freaky stuff really goes down.

9-10PM THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT (The WB) Jamie disguises himself as a blackjack dealer. Don’t you hate novices who sit at your table and hit on a 12 against the dealer’s 5?

10-11PM WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, TV-PG-LV) A baby disappears while being watched by her nanny. Was the nanny’s name Freddie Prinze Jr., by any chance?

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) The unfailingly humble Gene Wilder (who guest-stars as Will’s choleric new boss) was shocked by the standing ovation he received from W&G’s studio audience. ”I guess they do that for all the guest stars,” says the 67-year-old actor, with trademark soft-spoken bewilderment. ”Then Eric [McCormack, above with Wilder] came out and gave a speech about how he’d been influenced by my work since he was a child. And this was after two scenes!” Perhaps the episode’s story — which incorporated a partially improvised rage by Wilder — triggered one of McCormack’s childhood memories: ”My character’s name is Stein, and Eric kept asking me, ‘Say ”Stein.”’ And I’d say, ‘Stein.’ ‘Now, say ”Stein!”’ And I’d say it louder, ‘Stein!’ And then he said, ‘Now say Frank-en-stein!”’ Hey, that’s Frahnk-uhn-shteen to you, buddy. — Scott Brown

FRIDAY November 8

8-9PM PROVIDENCE (NBC, TV-PG) Get your fix of Dr. Syd and her life lessons while you still can.

8:30-9PM SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (WB, TV-PG) Verne Troyer guest-stars as a ”funny little leprechaun.” The vertically challenged weep.

9-10PM JOHN DOE (Fox, TV-14-DLV) Murder victims’ brains are removed and John Doe might have a son. Somehow, these two plot points will be linked. together.

10-11PM LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (NBC, TV-14) Dolls are creepy. Fully grown men who collect dolls are creepier. In tonight’s episode, a doll-collecting pedophile is on the loose and one 5-year-old girl has already been molested and killed. Gloria Reuben (ER) guest-stars as Violet, a recovering drug addict (only painkillers, she swears!) whose daughter has also gone missing. Ice-T (above with Reuben) does his usual overacting (who taught the guy that eyebrow wrinkling can express every emotion from relief to fury?); while Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer provide bland but stable backup. Entertaining, but I’d still take reruns of the original on TNT over this spin-off any day. B-

SATURDAY November 9

8-8:30PM COPS: COAST TO COAST (Fox, TV-14-DLS) Until our man Chief Moose gets his own show, we’ll have to settle for the usual car chases and perpetrators named Bubba.

8-10:30PM THE BONE COLLECTOR (NBC, TV-14) How could Denzel + Angelina = boring? Just watch.

8-11PM JURASSIC PARK (NBC, TV-PG) Ever since I saw this movie I wanted to get married near the T. rex in the American Museum of Natural History. If you would like to marry me there, please write in (with photo).

8-11:20PM SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (ABC, TV-MA-LV) It’s Spielberg versus Spielberg tonight (see above). Tip: Watch the battle scene, then switch over for some hot dino-on-dino action.

8-8:30PM EVERYDAY ELEGANCE (WE, TV-PG) Power party planner and celeb-adored designer Colin Cowie (above) concentrates on presentation and preparation in his Thanksgiving special. There are a number of original tips, including how to serve the meal (buffet-style, with names on dried leaves for seating). The real fun, though, may be in watching the host, with his too-cool James Bond demeanor and deliberate drollery: ”The only thing fresh was my attitude, the jalapenos, and the can they came from.” B+ — Monica Mehta

SUNDAY November 10

4-6PM SKATE CANADA (ABC) You got some ice, you got some bad polyester outfits, you got some axels. What could be bad?

6-7PM EVERWOOD (The WB, TV-PG) Dr. Abbott is horrified when his wife signs them up for salsa lessons. I took salsa lessons last year and could not possibly have felt whiter. (R)

7-8PM* ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) T’Pol and Archer have to smoke a corrupt Vulcan out of his cave. Do we think our President would appreciate the use of one of his phrases while explaining a Star Trek episode? (R) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

7-9PM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (ABC, TV-PG) When I was growing up, my brother called me ”Beast” and now my niece and nephews call me ”Aunt Beast.” That’s right, therapy for life.

7:30-8pm 02BE (Oxygen, TV-PG) Daily Show alums Lizz Winstead and Brian Unger deserve our worship, so I must support this daytime-talk-show parody. Besides, watching a parody also makes me feel slightly better about TiVoing Dr. Phil every day.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG-V) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, and Elvis Costello guest tonight. BTW, total Keith girl here.

8-8:30PM BECKER (CBS) Tonight this show hits the 100-episode mark. Next time anyone makes fun of American culture, well, just give in and agree with them.

8-9PM BOOKNOTES (C-SPAN) Hello, I do other things besides watch TV! I read, too — as long as I can watch a TV show about reading.

8-9PM CNN PRESENTS ”FRIED” (CNN) Who knew the latest drug fad was tobacco, marijuana, or mint leaves dipped in embalming fluid laced with PCP? If Martha ever does time, she might want to cook this recipe up for her bitches.

8-9PM HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SKILLS COMPETITION (ESPN Classic) This 1997 slam-dunk and three-point contest is far more satisfying than watching my team, the Knicks, lose yet again.

8-9PM SUZE ORMAN (CNBC) I could not be less interested in what this know-it-all financial analyst talks about, so how is it that I’m addicted to her show?

8:30-9PM KING OF THE HILL (Fox, TV-PG-L) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock play competitive-eating groupies who encourage Bill to enter a hot-dog-eating contest. On a side note, how come the skinny Japanese guy always wins those contests?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney has to make a deal with the deliciously evil Sark in order to save Vaughn’s life. I sort of want Syd and Sark to hook up. Would that be so wrong?

9-10PM INSIDE TV LAND: TV’S TOP 40 THEME SONGS (TV Land, TV-G) How is it possible that the irritating Friends theme ranked higher than the Golden Girls’ song? I’m getting Estelle Getty on the case.

10-10:30PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) We all miss Dalton Ross this week, but I must respectfully disagree with his hatred of this program. It’s genius. (Note: I’m back, and I actually love this show. Jessica Shaw is not to be trusted. Seriously, the woman has issues. — Dalton)

10:30-11PM THE GROOVENIANS (Cartoon Network, TV-G) Pop artist Kenny Scharf created this special, but even if you don’t know who he is, you can’t help but love the fact that Pee-wee Herman (sorry, Paul Reubens) and Dennis Hopper provide voices for this cartoon about two artists who bolt from their boring planet.

SEASON PREMIERE 7-7:30PM FUTURAMA (Fox, TV-PG-LV) What’s better than Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama? How about Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama…again? The former Veep’s preserved noggin (above with Nixon) hosts an emergency summit to determine how to combat lethal global warming caused by robot emissions — which smells like bad news for Bender. Meanwhile, the full-bodied Gore notes that he’s developed ”a taste for cartoon acting…I think I may have a future as a disembodied head.” Speaking of the future, Al: if you run for President in 2004, wanna break the news in EW? ”Ummm, not this week,” he answers. ”But I will hold open the possibility of the scoop toward the end of the year.” You heard it here first. — Dan Snierson

9-11PM MASTER SPY: THE ROBERT HANSSEN STORY (CBS) William Hurt (left) uses his affectless demeanor well as Hanssen, the FBI agent who spied for Russia for over 20 years. But executive producers Norman Mailer (who wrote the script) and Lawrence Schiller (who directs) spend too much time on the verbal abuse from his daddy (Peter Boyle) and on showing Hanssen staring into mirrors talking to himself (”Now I know how a genius feels!”). A serious overcompensater, this spy is a prig, a womanizer, a patriot, a traiter. His story is so dull, it could be told in two hours, not four spread over two Sundays. (Part 1 of 2) C

MONDAY

MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY

MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY November 7

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Let me get this straight: Freddie Prinze Jr. guest-stars as a sensitive nanny on Friends? C’mon, he’s such a bad actor he couldn’t play a sensitive friend on The Nanny. Get it? No? Well, it made my editor chuckle.

8-9PM SURVIVOR (CBS) I met Jeff Probst a few weeks ago at lunch and he was still all pissed off at me for making him ”Out” in a Shaw Report from, like, a year ago.

8-10PM GALAXY QUEST (ABC, TV-PG) If you can manage to overlook Tim Allen’s presence, this Trek parody starring Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman is pretty damn funny.

9-10PM FUNNIEST ANIMALS (Fox, TV-PG) Who among us doesn’t long for the days when we’d all gather around the TV to watch When Animals Attack?

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-LV) If this concept keeps rocking, maybe Les Moonves will spin it off again. I’d like to offer my hometown for CSI: Scotch Plains, N.J. ’cause the supposedly tame towns are where all the freaky stuff really goes down.

9-10PM THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT (The WB) Jamie disguises himself as a blackjack dealer. Don’t you hate novices who sit at your table and hit on a 12 against the dealer’s 5?

10-11PM WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, TV-PG-LV) A baby disappears while being watched by her nanny. Was the nanny’s name Freddie Prinze Jr., by any chance?

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) The unfailingly humble Gene Wilder (who guest-stars as Will’s choleric new boss) was shocked by the standing ovation he received from W&G’s studio audience. ”I guess they do that for all the guest stars,” says the 67-year-old actor, with trademark soft-spoken bewilderment. ”Then Eric [McCormack, above with Wilder] came out and gave a speech about how he’d been influenced by my work since he was a child. And this was after two scenes!” Perhaps the episode’s story — which incorporated a partially improvised rage by Wilder — triggered one of McCormack’s childhood memories: ”My character’s name is Stein, and Eric kept asking me, ‘Say ”Stein.”’ And I’d say, ‘Stein.’ ‘Now, say ”Stein!”’ And I’d say it louder, ‘Stein!’ And then he said, ‘Now say Frank-en-stein!”’ Hey, that’s Frahnk-uhn-shteen to you, buddy. — Scott Brown

FRIDAY November 8

8-9PM PROVIDENCE (NBC, TV-PG) Get your fix of Dr. Syd and her life lessons while you still can.

8:30-9PM SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (WB, TV-PG) Verne Troyer guest-stars as a ”funny little leprechaun.” The vertically challenged weep.

9-10PM JOHN DOE (Fox, TV-14-DLV) Murder victims’ brains are removed and John Doe might have a son. Somehow, these two plot points will be linked. together.

10-11PM LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (NBC, TV-14) Dolls are creepy. Fully grown men who collect dolls are creepier. In tonight’s episode, a doll-collecting pedophile is on the loose and one 5-year-old girl has already been molested and killed. Gloria Reuben (ER) guest-stars as Violet, a recovering drug addict (only painkillers, she swears!) whose daughter has also gone missing. Ice-T (above with Reuben) does his usual overacting (who taught the guy that eyebrow wrinkling can express every emotion from relief to fury?); while Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer provide bland but stable backup. Entertaining, but I’d still take reruns of the original on TNT over this spin-off any day. B-

SATURDAY November 9

8-8:30PM COPS: COAST TO COAST (Fox, TV-14-DLS) Until our man Chief Moose gets his own show, we’ll have to settle for the usual car chases and perpetrators named Bubba.

8-10:30PM THE BONE COLLECTOR (NBC, TV-14) How could Denzel + Angelina = boring? Just watch.

8-11PM JURASSIC PARK (NBC, TV-PG) Ever since I saw this movie I wanted to get married near the T. rex in the American Museum of Natural History. If you would like to marry me there, please write in (with photo).

8-11:20PM SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (ABC, TV-MA-LV) It’s Spielberg versus Spielberg tonight (see above). Tip: Watch the battle scene, then switch over for some hot dino-on-dino action.

8-8:30PM EVERYDAY ELEGANCE (WE, TV-PG) Power party planner and celeb-adored designer Colin Cowie (above) concentrates on presentation and preparation in his Thanksgiving special. There are a number of original tips, including how to serve the meal (buffet-style, with names on dried leaves for seating). The real fun, though, may be in watching the host, with his too-cool James Bond demeanor and deliberate drollery: ”The only thing fresh was my attitude, the jalapenos, and the can they came from.” B+ — Monica Mehta

SUNDAY November 10

4-6PM SKATE CANADA (ABC) You got some ice, you got some bad polyester outfits, you got some axels. What could be bad?

6-7PM EVERWOOD (The WB, TV-PG) Dr. Abbott is horrified when his wife signs them up for salsa lessons. I took salsa lessons last year and could not possibly have felt whiter. (R)

7-8PM* ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) T’Pol and Archer have to smoke a corrupt Vulcan out of his cave. Do we think our President would appreciate the use of one of his phrases while explaining a Star Trek episode? (R) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

7-9PM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (ABC, TV-PG) When I was growing up, my brother called me ”Beast” and now my niece and nephews call me ”Aunt Beast.” That’s right, therapy for life.

7:30-8pm 02BE (Oxygen, TV-PG) Daily Show alums Lizz Winstead and Brian Unger deserve our worship, so I must support this daytime-talk-show parody. Besides, watching a parody also makes me feel slightly better about TiVoing Dr. Phil every day.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG-V) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, and Elvis Costello guest tonight. BTW, total Keith girl here.

8-8:30PM BECKER (CBS) Tonight this show hits the 100-episode mark. Next time anyone makes fun of American culture, well, just give in and agree with them.

8-9PM BOOKNOTES (C-SPAN) Hello, I do other things besides watch TV! I read, too — as long as I can watch a TV show about reading.

8-9PM CNN PRESENTS ”FRIED” (CNN) Who knew the latest drug fad was tobacco, marijuana, or mint leaves dipped in embalming fluid laced with PCP? If Martha ever does time, she might want to cook this recipe up for her bitches.

8-9PM HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SKILLS COMPETITION (ESPN Classic) This 1997 slam-dunk and three-point contest is far more satisfying than watching my team, the Knicks, lose yet again.

8-9PM SUZE ORMAN (CNBC) I could not be less interested in what this know-it-all financial analyst talks about, so how is it that I’m addicted to her show?

8:30-9PM KING OF THE HILL (Fox, TV-PG-L) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock play competitive-eating groupies who encourage Bill to enter a hot-dog-eating contest. On a side note, how come the skinny Japanese guy always wins those contests?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney has to make a deal with the deliciously evil Sark in order to save Vaughn’s life. I sort of want Syd and Sark to hook up. Would that be so wrong?

9-10PM INSIDE TV LAND: TV’S TOP 40 THEME SONGS (TV Land, TV-G) How is it possible that the irritating Friends theme ranked higher than the Golden Girls’ song? I’m getting Estelle Getty on the case.

10-10:30PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) We all miss Dalton Ross this week, but I must respectfully disagree with his hatred of this program. It’s genius. (Note: I’m back, and I actually love this show. Jessica Shaw is not to be trusted. Seriously, the woman has issues. — Dalton)

10:30-11PM THE GROOVENIANS (Cartoon Network, TV-G) Pop artist Kenny Scharf created this special, but even if you don’t know who he is, you can’t help but love the fact that Pee-wee Herman (sorry, Paul Reubens) and Dennis Hopper provide voices for this cartoon about two artists who bolt from their boring planet.

SEASON PREMIERE 7-7:30PM FUTURAMA (Fox, TV-PG-LV) What’s better than Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama? How about Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama…again? The former Veep’s preserved noggin (above with Nixon) hosts an emergency summit to determine how to combat lethal global warming caused by robot emissions — which smells like bad news for Bender. Meanwhile, the full-bodied Gore notes that he’s developed ”a taste for cartoon acting…I think I may have a future as a disembodied head.” Speaking of the future, Al: if you run for President in 2004, wanna break the news in EW? ”Ummm, not this week,” he answers. ”But I will hold open the possibility of the scoop toward the end of the year.” You heard it here first. — Dan Snierson

9-11PM MASTER SPY: THE ROBERT HANSSEN STORY (CBS) William Hurt (left) uses his affectless demeanor well as Hanssen, the FBI agent who spied for Russia for over 20 years. But executive producers Norman Mailer (who wrote the script) and Lawrence Schiller (who directs) spend too much time on the verbal abuse from his daddy (Peter Boyle) and on showing Hanssen staring into mirrors talking to himself (”Now I know how a genius feels!”). A serious overcompensater, this spy is a prig, a womanizer, a patriot, a traiter. His story is so dull, it could be told in two hours, not four spread over two Sundays. (Part 1 of 2) C — Ken Tucker

FRIDAY

MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY November 7

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Let me get this straight: Freddie Prinze Jr. guest-stars as a sensitive nanny on Friends? C’mon, he’s such a bad actor he couldn’t play a sensitive friend on The Nanny. Get it? No? Well, it made my editor chuckle.

8-9PM SURVIVOR (CBS) I met Jeff Probst a few weeks ago at lunch and he was still all pissed off at me for making him ”Out” in a Shaw Report from, like, a year ago.

8-10PM GALAXY QUEST (ABC, TV-PG) If you can manage to overlook Tim Allen’s presence, this Trek parody starring Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman is pretty damn funny.

9-10PM FUNNIEST ANIMALS (Fox, TV-PG) Who among us doesn’t long for the days when we’d all gather around the TV to watch When Animals Attack?

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-LV) If this concept keeps rocking, maybe Les Moonves will spin it off again. I’d like to offer my hometown for CSI: Scotch Plains, N.J. ’cause the supposedly tame towns are where all the freaky stuff really goes down.

9-10PM THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT (The WB) Jamie disguises himself as a blackjack dealer. Don’t you hate novices who sit at your table and hit on a 12 against the dealer’s 5?

10-11PM WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, TV-PG-LV) A baby disappears while being watched by her nanny. Was the nanny’s name Freddie Prinze Jr., by any chance?

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) The unfailingly humble Gene Wilder (who guest-stars as Will’s choleric new boss) was shocked by the standing ovation he received from W&G’s studio audience. ”I guess they do that for all the guest stars,” says the 67-year-old actor, with trademark soft-spoken bewilderment. ”Then Eric [McCormack, above with Wilder] came out and gave a speech about how he’d been influenced by my work since he was a child. And this was after two scenes!” Perhaps the episode’s story — which incorporated a partially improvised rage by Wilder — triggered one of McCormack’s childhood memories: ”My character’s name is Stein, and Eric kept asking me, ‘Say ”Stein.”’ And I’d say, ‘Stein.’ ‘Now, say ”Stein!”’ And I’d say it louder, ‘Stein!’ And then he said, ‘Now say Frank-en-stein!”’ Hey, that’s Frahnk-uhn-shteen to you, buddy. — Scott Brown

FRIDAY November 8

8-9PM PROVIDENCE (NBC, TV-PG) Get your fix of Dr. Syd and her life lessons while you still can.

8:30-9PM SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (WB, TV-PG) Verne Troyer guest-stars as a ”funny little leprechaun.” The vertically challenged weep.

9-10PM JOHN DOE (Fox, TV-14-DLV) Murder victims’ brains are removed and John Doe might have a son. Somehow, these two plot points will be linked. together.

10-11PM LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (NBC, TV-14) Dolls are creepy. Fully grown men who collect dolls are creepier. In tonight’s episode, a doll-collecting pedophile is on the loose and one 5-year-old girl has already been molested and killed. Gloria Reuben (ER) guest-stars as Violet, a recovering drug addict (only painkillers, she swears!) whose daughter has also gone missing. Ice-T (above with Reuben) does his usual overacting (who taught the guy that eyebrow wrinkling can express every emotion from relief to fury?); while Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer provide bland but stable backup. Entertaining, but I’d still take reruns of the original on TNT over this spin-off any day. B-

SATURDAY November 9

8-8:30PM COPS: COAST TO COAST (Fox, TV-14-DLS) Until our man Chief Moose gets his own show, we’ll have to settle for the usual car chases and perpetrators named Bubba.

8-10:30PM THE BONE COLLECTOR (NBC, TV-14) How could Denzel + Angelina = boring? Just watch.

8-11PM JURASSIC PARK (NBC, TV-PG) Ever since I saw this movie I wanted to get married near the T. rex in the American Museum of Natural History. If you would like to marry me there, please write in (with photo).

8-11:20PM SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (ABC, TV-MA-LV) It’s Spielberg versus Spielberg tonight (see above). Tip: Watch the battle scene, then switch over for some hot dino-on-dino action.

8-8:30PM EVERYDAY ELEGANCE (WE, TV-PG) Power party planner and celeb-adored designer Colin Cowie (above) concentrates on presentation and preparation in his Thanksgiving special. There are a number of original tips, including how to serve the meal (buffet-style, with names on dried leaves for seating). The real fun, though, may be in watching the host, with his too-cool James Bond demeanor and deliberate drollery: ”The only thing fresh was my attitude, the jalapenos, and the can they came from.” B+ — Monica Mehta

SUNDAY November 10

4-6PM SKATE CANADA (ABC) You got some ice, you got some bad polyester outfits, you got some axels. What could be bad?

6-7PM EVERWOOD (The WB, TV-PG) Dr. Abbott is horrified when his wife signs them up for salsa lessons. I took salsa lessons last year and could not possibly have felt whiter. (R)

7-8PM* ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) T’Pol and Archer have to smoke a corrupt Vulcan out of his cave. Do we think our President would appreciate the use of one of his phrases while explaining a Star Trek episode? (R) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

7-9PM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (ABC, TV-PG) When I was growing up, my brother called me ”Beast” and now my niece and nephews call me ”Aunt Beast.” That’s right, therapy for life.

7:30-8pm 02BE (Oxygen, TV-PG) Daily Show alums Lizz Winstead and Brian Unger deserve our worship, so I must support this daytime-talk-show parody. Besides, watching a parody also makes me feel slightly better about TiVoing Dr. Phil every day.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG-V) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, and Elvis Costello guest tonight. BTW, total Keith girl here.

8-8:30PM BECKER (CBS) Tonight this show hits the 100-episode mark. Next time anyone makes fun of American culture, well, just give in and agree with them.

8-9PM BOOKNOTES (C-SPAN) Hello, I do other things besides watch TV! I read, too — as long as I can watch a TV show about reading.

8-9PM CNN PRESENTS ”FRIED” (CNN) Who knew the latest drug fad was tobacco, marijuana, or mint leaves dipped in embalming fluid laced with PCP? If Martha ever does time, she might want to cook this recipe up for her bitches.

8-9PM HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SKILLS COMPETITION (ESPN Classic) This 1997 slam-dunk and three-point contest is far more satisfying than watching my team, the Knicks, lose yet again.

8-9PM SUZE ORMAN (CNBC) I could not be less interested in what this know-it-all financial analyst talks about, so how is it that I’m addicted to her show?

8:30-9PM KING OF THE HILL (Fox, TV-PG-L) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock play competitive-eating groupies who encourage Bill to enter a hot-dog-eating contest. On a side note, how come the skinny Japanese guy always wins those contests?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney has to make a deal with the deliciously evil Sark in order to save Vaughn’s life. I sort of want Syd and Sark to hook up. Would that be so wrong?

9-10PM INSIDE TV LAND: TV’S TOP 40 THEME SONGS (TV Land, TV-G) How is it possible that the irritating Friends theme ranked higher than the Golden Girls’ song? I’m getting Estelle Getty on the case.

10-10:30PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) We all miss Dalton Ross this week, but I must respectfully disagree with his hatred of this program. It’s genius. (Note: I’m back, and I actually love this show. Jessica Shaw is not to be trusted. Seriously, the woman has issues. — Dalton)

10:30-11PM THE GROOVENIANS (Cartoon Network, TV-G) Pop artist Kenny Scharf created this special, but even if you don’t know who he is, you can’t help but love the fact that Pee-wee Herman (sorry, Paul Reubens) and Dennis Hopper provide voices for this cartoon about two artists who bolt from their boring planet.

SEASON PREMIERE 7-7:30PM FUTURAMA (Fox, TV-PG-LV) What’s better than Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama? How about Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama…again? The former Veep’s preserved noggin (above with Nixon) hosts an emergency summit to determine how to combat lethal global warming caused by robot emissions — which smells like bad news for Bender. Meanwhile, the full-bodied Gore notes that he’s developed ”a taste for cartoon acting…I think I may have a future as a disembodied head.” Speaking of the future, Al: if you run for President in 2004, wanna break the news in EW? ”Ummm, not this week,” he answers. ”But I will hold open the possibility of the scoop toward the end of the year.” You heard it here first. — Dan Snierson

9-11PM MASTER SPY: THE ROBERT HANSSEN STORY (CBS) William Hurt (left) uses his affectless demeanor well as Hanssen, the FBI agent who spied for Russia for over 20 years. But executive producers Norman Mailer (who wrote the script) and Lawrence Schiller (who directs) spend too much time on the verbal abuse from his daddy (Peter Boyle) and on showing Hanssen staring into mirrors talking to himself (”Now I know how a genius feels!”). A serious overcompensater, this spy is a prig, a womanizer, a patriot, a traiter. His story is so dull, it could be told in two hours, not four spread over two Sundays. (Part 1 of 2) C — Ken Tucker

SATURDAY

MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY November 7

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Let me get this straight: Freddie Prinze Jr. guest-stars as a sensitive nanny on Friends? C’mon, he’s such a bad actor he couldn’t play a sensitive friend on The Nanny. Get it? No? Well, it made my editor chuckle.

8-9PM SURVIVOR (CBS) I met Jeff Probst a few weeks ago at lunch and he was still all pissed off at me for making him ”Out” in a Shaw Report from, like, a year ago.

8-10PM GALAXY QUEST (ABC, TV-PG) If you can manage to overlook Tim Allen’s presence, this Trek parody starring Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman is pretty damn funny.

9-10PM FUNNIEST ANIMALS (Fox, TV-PG) Who among us doesn’t long for the days when we’d all gather around the TV to watch When Animals Attack?

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-LV) If this concept keeps rocking, maybe Les Moonves will spin it off again. I’d like to offer my hometown for CSI: Scotch Plains, N.J. ’cause the supposedly tame towns are where all the freaky stuff really goes down.

9-10PM THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT (The WB) Jamie disguises himself as a blackjack dealer. Don’t you hate novices who sit at your table and hit on a 12 against the dealer’s 5?

10-11PM WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, TV-PG-LV) A baby disappears while being watched by her nanny. Was the nanny’s name Freddie Prinze Jr., by any chance?

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) The unfailingly humble Gene Wilder (who guest-stars as Will’s choleric new boss) was shocked by the standing ovation he received from W&G’s studio audience. ”I guess they do that for all the guest stars,” says the 67-year-old actor, with trademark soft-spoken bewilderment. ”Then Eric [McCormack, above with Wilder] came out and gave a speech about how he’d been influenced by my work since he was a child. And this was after two scenes!” Perhaps the episode’s story — which incorporated a partially improvised rage by Wilder — triggered one of McCormack’s childhood memories: ”My character’s name is Stein, and Eric kept asking me, ‘Say ”Stein.”’ And I’d say, ‘Stein.’ ‘Now, say ”Stein!”’ And I’d say it louder, ‘Stein!’ And then he said, ‘Now say Frank-en-stein!”’ Hey, that’s Frahnk-uhn-shteen to you, buddy. — Scott Brown

FRIDAY November 8

8-9PM PROVIDENCE (NBC, TV-PG) Get your fix of Dr. Syd and her life lessons while you still can.

8:30-9PM SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (WB, TV-PG) Verne Troyer guest-stars as a ”funny little leprechaun.” The vertically challenged weep.

9-10PM JOHN DOE (Fox, TV-14-DLV) Murder victims’ brains are removed and John Doe might have a son. Somehow, these two plot points will be linked. together.

10-11PM LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (NBC, TV-14) Dolls are creepy. Fully grown men who collect dolls are creepier. In tonight’s episode, a doll-collecting pedophile is on the loose and one 5-year-old girl has already been molested and killed. Gloria Reuben (ER) guest-stars as Violet, a recovering drug addict (only painkillers, she swears!) whose daughter has also gone missing. Ice-T (above with Reuben) does his usual overacting (who taught the guy that eyebrow wrinkling can express every emotion from relief to fury?); while Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer provide bland but stable backup. Entertaining, but I’d still take reruns of the original on TNT over this spin-off any day. B-

SATURDAY November 9

8-8:30PM COPS: COAST TO COAST (Fox, TV-14-DLS) Until our man Chief Moose gets his own show, we’ll have to settle for the usual car chases and perpetrators named Bubba.

8-10:30PM THE BONE COLLECTOR (NBC, TV-14) How could Denzel + Angelina = boring? Just watch.

8-11PM JURASSIC PARK (NBC, TV-PG) Ever since I saw this movie I wanted to get married near the T. rex in the American Museum of Natural History. If you would like to marry me there, please write in (with photo).

8-11:20PM SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (ABC, TV-MA-LV) It’s Spielberg versus Spielberg tonight (see above). Tip: Watch the battle scene, then switch over for some hot dino-on-dino action.

8-8:30PM EVERYDAY ELEGANCE (WE, TV-PG) Power party planner and celeb-adored designer Colin Cowie (above) concentrates on presentation and preparation in his Thanksgiving special. There are a number of original tips, including how to serve the meal (buffet-style, with names on dried leaves for seating). The real fun, though, may be in watching the host, with his too-cool James Bond demeanor and deliberate drollery: ”The only thing fresh was my attitude, the jalapenos, and the can they came from.” B+ — Monica Mehta

SUNDAY November 10

4-6PM SKATE CANADA (ABC) You got some ice, you got some bad polyester outfits, you got some axels. What could be bad?

6-7PM EVERWOOD (The WB, TV-PG) Dr. Abbott is horrified when his wife signs them up for salsa lessons. I took salsa lessons last year and could not possibly have felt whiter. (R)

7-8PM* ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) T’Pol and Archer have to smoke a corrupt Vulcan out of his cave. Do we think our President would appreciate the use of one of his phrases while explaining a Star Trek episode? (R) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

7-9PM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (ABC, TV-PG) When I was growing up, my brother called me ”Beast” and now my niece and nephews call me ”Aunt Beast.” That’s right, therapy for life.

7:30-8pm 02BE (Oxygen, TV-PG) Daily Show alums Lizz Winstead and Brian Unger deserve our worship, so I must support this daytime-talk-show parody. Besides, watching a parody also makes me feel slightly better about TiVoing Dr. Phil every day.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG-V) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, and Elvis Costello guest tonight. BTW, total Keith girl here.

8-8:30PM BECKER (CBS) Tonight this show hits the 100-episode mark. Next time anyone makes fun of American culture, well, just give in and agree with them.

8-9PM BOOKNOTES (C-SPAN) Hello, I do other things besides watch TV! I read, too — as long as I can watch a TV show about reading.

8-9PM CNN PRESENTS ”FRIED” (CNN) Who knew the latest drug fad was tobacco, marijuana, or mint leaves dipped in embalming fluid laced with PCP? If Martha ever does time, she might want to cook this recipe up for her bitches.

8-9PM HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SKILLS COMPETITION (ESPN Classic) This 1997 slam-dunk and three-point contest is far more satisfying than watching my team, the Knicks, lose yet again.

8-9PM SUZE ORMAN (CNBC) I could not be less interested in what this know-it-all financial analyst talks about, so how is it that I’m addicted to her show?

8:30-9PM KING OF THE HILL (Fox, TV-PG-L) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock play competitive-eating groupies who encourage Bill to enter a hot-dog-eating contest. On a side note, how come the skinny Japanese guy always wins those contests?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney has to make a deal with the deliciously evil Sark in order to save Vaughn’s life. I sort of want Syd and Sark to hook up. Would that be so wrong?

9-10PM INSIDE TV LAND: TV’S TOP 40 THEME SONGS (TV Land, TV-G) How is it possible that the irritating Friends theme ranked higher than the Golden Girls’ song? I’m getting Estelle Getty on the case.

10-10:30PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) We all miss Dalton Ross this week, but I must respectfully disagree with his hatred of this program. It’s genius. (Note: I’m back, and I actually love this show. Jessica Shaw is not to be trusted. Seriously, the woman has issues. — Dalton)

10:30-11PM THE GROOVENIANS (Cartoon Network, TV-G) Pop artist Kenny Scharf created this special, but even if you don’t know who he is, you can’t help but love the fact that Pee-wee Herman (sorry, Paul Reubens) and Dennis Hopper provide voices for this cartoon about two artists who bolt from their boring planet.

SEASON PREMIERE 7-7:30PM FUTURAMA (Fox, TV-PG-LV) What’s better than Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama? How about Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama…again? The former Veep’s preserved noggin (above with Nixon) hosts an emergency summit to determine how to combat lethal global warming caused by robot emissions — which smells like bad news for Bender. Meanwhile, the full-bodied Gore notes that he’s developed ”a taste for cartoon acting…I think I may have a future as a disembodied head.” Speaking of the future, Al: if you run for President in 2004, wanna break the news in EW? ”Ummm, not this week,” he answers. ”But I will hold open the possibility of the scoop toward the end of the year.” You heard it here first. — Dan Snierson

9-11PM MASTER SPY: THE ROBERT HANSSEN STORY (CBS) William Hurt (left) uses his affectless demeanor well as Hanssen, the FBI agent who spied for Russia for over 20 years. But executive producers Norman Mailer (who wrote the script) and Lawrence Schiller (who directs) spend too much time on the verbal abuse from his daddy (Peter Boyle) and on showing Hanssen staring into mirrors talking to himself (”Now I know how a genius feels!”). A serious overcompensater, this spy is a prig, a womanizer, a patriot, a traiter. His story is so dull, it could be told in two hours, not four spread over two Sundays. (Part 1 of 2) C — Ken Tucker

SUNDAY

MONDAY November 4

8-9PM 20/20 (ABC) Barbara Walters time-travels to another generation to rap with Justin Timberlake about Britney and Alyssa.

8-9PM 7TH HEAVEN (The WB, TV-G) It’s tough to decide whom we’re less excited about: new series regular Jeremy London or guest star Phyllis Diller.

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) Simon Schama’s mini-series wraps up with the 1780-2002 installments. The eternal mystery of why the British have rotten teeth is still not explained. (Concludes Nov. 5)

9-11PM BIOGRAPHY: DAVID BOWIE (A&E, TV-G) Artists like Jeff Koons and Moby weigh in on Bowie’s success. Does everyone still cry when they hear ”Space Oddity,” or is it just me?

10-11PM CSI: MIAMI (CBS, TV-14-DSV) A naked male stripper is found dead after a female sex party. Meanwhile, the humidity deals Kim Delaney a serious Florida ‘fro.

8-11PM CARRIE (NBC, TV-14) In the horrifyingly slow remake of Stephen King’s high school chiller, Angela Bettis (right) seamlessly slips into Sissy Spacek’s prom dress as the telekinetic teen geek, but Patricia Clarkson makes the bad decision to underplay her Bible-crazed mother. Somehow, the story of a social outcast who wreaks bloody revenge on her classmates doesn’t seem so entertaining in the post-Columbine era. And on what planet do gym teachers look as smokin’ as Rena Sofer? C — Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY November 5

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-PG-DL) Buffy, Anya, Dawn, and Willow all fall for the same guy, and much to our dismay, it’s not Giles.

8-9:30PM FEAR FACTOR (NBC, TV-PG) Tonight, it’s all about lying in a pit with 2,000 scorpions and running through a burning building. Election-night symbolism, perhaps?

9:30-10PM LESS THAN PERFECT (ABC, TV-PG-D) Claude attends a Strippercize class to help her gain a measure of self-confidence. Funny, I spied on that class once and vicariously lost all of mine.

10-11PM CAMPAIGN 2002: ELECTION NIGHT (CBS) Dan Rather morphs into Random Simile Man!

11-11:30PM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART INDECISION 2002 ELECTION NIGHT (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart goes live with election results.

9:30-10:45PM JOURNEYS WITH GEORGE (HBO, TV-PG) Alexandra Pelosi’s almost disturbingly intimate video diary of George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign catches the candidate off guard as he cracks cornball jokes, washes down Cheetos with non-alcoholic beer, and does a ”YMCA”-like victory dance. Whether such frat-house antics are appropriate for a future Prez may be a matter of debate, but there’s no denying that Dubya makes a charming traveling companion, as does Pelosi. A — BF

WEDNESDAY November 6

8-9PM DAWSON’S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Pacey is up a whole other creek when he discovers his new crush is a hooker.

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) I’m all about Kelly Ripa returning as Ed’s ex Jennifer…mostly because you just know Regis and Kathie Lee will be watching and throwing darts at their TV sets.

8-11PM THE 36TH ANNUAL CMA AWARDS (CBS, TV-G) Shania Twain will open the show singing ”I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” at which point all grade school grammar teachers will change the channel.

8-11PM* 1940S HOUSE (PBS, TV-PG) The Hymers family live as they would have in wartime En-gland. Somehow, I’m going to find it hard to feel sympathy for people faking air-raid-siren fear. Then again, if they can explain why the English have bad teeth, I’m all for it.

*CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BOND GIRLS ARE FOREVER (American Movie Classics, TV-G) Bond gal Maryam d’Abo spent all her living daylights hosting and exec-producing this retrospective on sexy spies.

9-10PM THE BACHELOR (ABC) On tonight’s episode Aaron reveals that he has a personality. Wishful thinking.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) Do you think Rob Lowe and guest star Christian Slater sit around bonding over what might have been?

8:30-9PM GEORGE LOPEZ (ABC, TV-PG) When most movie stars guest on sitcoms, their barely masked smirks signal the audience that yes, they know they’re slumming (still, that didn’t stop Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt from earning Emmy attention for deigning to appear on Friends). But maybe because she has an active interest in George Lopez as an executive producer, that’s not the situation with Sandra Bullock. She throws herself into the recurring role of Accident Amy, George’s pratfall-inclined coworker. Amy’s showdown with George over who can sell the most candy bars for their kids’ school trip allows Bullock (above with Lopez) to engage in satisfyingly wacky shtick, yielding the second-season laffer’s funniest episode yet. B+ — BF

THURSDAY November 7

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Let me get this straight: Freddie Prinze Jr. guest-stars as a sensitive nanny on Friends? C’mon, he’s such a bad actor he couldn’t play a sensitive friend on The Nanny. Get it? No? Well, it made my editor chuckle.

8-9PM SURVIVOR (CBS) I met Jeff Probst a few weeks ago at lunch and he was still all pissed off at me for making him ”Out” in a Shaw Report from, like, a year ago.

8-10PM GALAXY QUEST (ABC, TV-PG) If you can manage to overlook Tim Allen’s presence, this Trek parody starring Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman is pretty damn funny.

9-10PM FUNNIEST ANIMALS (Fox, TV-PG) Who among us doesn’t long for the days when we’d all gather around the TV to watch When Animals Attack?

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-LV) If this concept keeps rocking, maybe Les Moonves will spin it off again. I’d like to offer my hometown for CSI: Scotch Plains, N.J. ’cause the supposedly tame towns are where all the freaky stuff really goes down.

9-10PM THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT (The WB) Jamie disguises himself as a blackjack dealer. Don’t you hate novices who sit at your table and hit on a 12 against the dealer’s 5?

10-11PM WITHOUT A TRACE (CBS, TV-PG-LV) A baby disappears while being watched by her nanny. Was the nanny’s name Freddie Prinze Jr., by any chance?

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) The unfailingly humble Gene Wilder (who guest-stars as Will’s choleric new boss) was shocked by the standing ovation he received from W&G’s studio audience. ”I guess they do that for all the guest stars,” says the 67-year-old actor, with trademark soft-spoken bewilderment. ”Then Eric [McCormack, above with Wilder] came out and gave a speech about how he’d been influenced by my work since he was a child. And this was after two scenes!” Perhaps the episode’s story — which incorporated a partially improvised rage by Wilder — triggered one of McCormack’s childhood memories: ”My character’s name is Stein, and Eric kept asking me, ‘Say ”Stein.”’ And I’d say, ‘Stein.’ ‘Now, say ”Stein!”’ And I’d say it louder, ‘Stein!’ And then he said, ‘Now say Frank-en-stein!”’ Hey, that’s Frahnk-uhn-shteen to you, buddy. — Scott Brown

FRIDAY November 8

8-9PM PROVIDENCE (NBC, TV-PG) Get your fix of Dr. Syd and her life lessons while you still can.

8:30-9PM SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (WB, TV-PG) Verne Troyer guest-stars as a ”funny little leprechaun.” The vertically challenged weep.

9-10PM JOHN DOE (Fox, TV-14-DLV) Murder victims’ brains are removed and John Doe might have a son. Somehow, these two plot points will be linked. together.

10-11PM LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (NBC, TV-14) Dolls are creepy. Fully grown men who collect dolls are creepier. In tonight’s episode, a doll-collecting pedophile is on the loose and one 5-year-old girl has already been molested and killed. Gloria Reuben (ER) guest-stars as Violet, a recovering drug addict (only painkillers, she swears!) whose daughter has also gone missing. Ice-T (above with Reuben) does his usual overacting (who taught the guy that eyebrow wrinkling can express every emotion from relief to fury?); while Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer provide bland but stable backup. Entertaining, but I’d still take reruns of the original on TNT over this spin-off any day. B-

SATURDAY November 9

8-8:30PM COPS: COAST TO COAST (Fox, TV-14-DLS) Until our man Chief Moose gets his own show, we’ll have to settle for the usual car chases and perpetrators named Bubba.

8-10:30PM THE BONE COLLECTOR (NBC, TV-14) How could Denzel + Angelina = boring? Just watch.

8-11PM JURASSIC PARK (NBC, TV-PG) Ever since I saw this movie I wanted to get married near the T. rex in the American Museum of Natural History. If you would like to marry me there, please write in (with photo).

8-11:20PM SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (ABC, TV-MA-LV) It’s Spielberg versus Spielberg tonight (see above). Tip: Watch the battle scene, then switch over for some hot dino-on-dino action.

8-8:30PM EVERYDAY ELEGANCE (WE, TV-PG) Power party planner and celeb-adored designer Colin Cowie (above) concentrates on presentation and preparation in his Thanksgiving special. There are a number of original tips, including how to serve the meal (buffet-style, with names on dried leaves for seating). The real fun, though, may be in watching the host, with his too-cool James Bond demeanor and deliberate drollery: ”The only thing fresh was my attitude, the jalapenos, and the can they came from.” B+ — Monica Mehta

SUNDAY November 10

4-6PM SKATE CANADA (ABC) You got some ice, you got some bad polyester outfits, you got some axels. What could be bad?

6-7PM EVERWOOD (The WB, TV-PG) Dr. Abbott is horrified when his wife signs them up for salsa lessons. I took salsa lessons last year and could not possibly have felt whiter. (R)

7-8PM* ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) T’Pol and Archer have to smoke a corrupt Vulcan out of his cave. Do we think our President would appreciate the use of one of his phrases while explaining a Star Trek episode? (R) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

7-9PM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (ABC, TV-PG) When I was growing up, my brother called me ”Beast” and now my niece and nephews call me ”Aunt Beast.” That’s right, therapy for life.

7:30-8pm 02BE (Oxygen, TV-PG) Daily Show alums Lizz Winstead and Brian Unger deserve our worship, so I must support this daytime-talk-show parody. Besides, watching a parody also makes me feel slightly better about TiVoing Dr. Phil every day.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG-V) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, and Elvis Costello guest tonight. BTW, total Keith girl here.

8-8:30PM BECKER (CBS) Tonight this show hits the 100-episode mark. Next time anyone makes fun of American culture, well, just give in and agree with them.

8-9PM BOOKNOTES (C-SPAN) Hello, I do other things besides watch TV! I read, too — as long as I can watch a TV show about reading.

8-9PM CNN PRESENTS ”FRIED” (CNN) Who knew the latest drug fad was tobacco, marijuana, or mint leaves dipped in embalming fluid laced with PCP? If Martha ever does time, she might want to cook this recipe up for her bitches.

8-9PM HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SKILLS COMPETITION (ESPN Classic) This 1997 slam-dunk and three-point contest is far more satisfying than watching my team, the Knicks, lose yet again.

8-9PM SUZE ORMAN (CNBC) I could not be less interested in what this know-it-all financial analyst talks about, so how is it that I’m addicted to her show?

8:30-9PM KING OF THE HILL (Fox, TV-PG-L) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock play competitive-eating groupies who encourage Bill to enter a hot-dog-eating contest. On a side note, how come the skinny Japanese guy always wins those contests?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney has to make a deal with the deliciously evil Sark in order to save Vaughn’s life. I sort of want Syd and Sark to hook up. Would that be so wrong?

9-10PM INSIDE TV LAND: TV’S TOP 40 THEME SONGS (TV Land, TV-G) How is it possible that the irritating Friends theme ranked higher than the Golden Girls’ song? I’m getting Estelle Getty on the case.

10-10:30PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) We all miss Dalton Ross this week, but I must respectfully disagree with his hatred of this program. It’s genius. (Note: I’m back, and I actually love this show. Jessica Shaw is not to be trusted. Seriously, the woman has issues. — Dalton)

10:30-11PM THE GROOVENIANS (Cartoon Network, TV-G) Pop artist Kenny Scharf created this special, but even if you don’t know who he is, you can’t help but love the fact that Pee-wee Herman (sorry, Paul Reubens) and Dennis Hopper provide voices for this cartoon about two artists who bolt from their boring planet.

SEASON PREMIERE 7-7:30PM FUTURAMA (Fox, TV-PG-LV) What’s better than Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama? How about Al Gore guest-starring on Futurama…again? The former Veep’s preserved noggin (above with Nixon) hosts an emergency summit to determine how to combat lethal global warming caused by robot emissions — which smells like bad news for Bender. Meanwhile, the full-bodied Gore notes that he’s developed ”a taste for cartoon acting…I think I may have a future as a disembodied head.” Speaking of the future, Al: if you run for President in 2004, wanna break the news in EW? ”Ummm, not this week,” he answers. ”But I will hold open the possibility of the scoop toward the end of the year.” You heard it here first. — Dan Snierson

9-11PM MASTER SPY: THE ROBERT HANSSEN STORY (CBS) William Hurt (left) uses his affectless demeanor well as Hanssen, the FBI agent who spied for Russia for over 20 years. But executive producers Norman Mailer (who wrote the script) and Lawrence Schiller (who directs) spend too much time on the verbal abuse from his daddy (Peter Boyle) and on showing Hanssen staring into mirrors talking to himself (”Now I know how a genius feels!”). A serious overcompensater, this spy is a prig, a womanizer, a patriot, a traiter. His story is so dull, it could be told in two hours, not four spread over two Sundays. (Part 1 of 2) C — Ken Tucker

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