What the country is talking about this week...

1 THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE A remake of Charade with Mark Wahlberg in the Cary Grant part. Who plays Audrey Hepburn? Carrot Top?

2 BEN & J. LO He reportedly took her home to meet his mom in Boston. There’s no way to break the ice like wearing Victoria’s Secret to the breakfast table.

3 ROSEANNE She’s getting ready to star in a new reality series. At least she can’t fire all the writers this time.

4 ANDY ROONEY The 60 Minutes commentator said women don’t know enough about football to report on it. That never stops men.

5 GHOST SHIP Salvagers find a floating cruise ship that disappeared 40 years ago. The Fun Ship Jimmy Hoffa.

6 24 Kiefer Sutherland has 24 hours to find a gigantic bomb hidden somewhere in L.A. But he can’t find the theater that’s playing Swept Away.

7 JOAN COLLINS The 69-year-old ex-nighttime soap star says sex is the best and cheapest beauty treatment. Yet it’s still not offered at most salons.

8 JACKASS THE MOVIE Going to see the film will be Jackasses the Audience.

9 CAMPAIGN ADS If you can’t even make a watchable TV ad, what makes you think you can run a country?

10 ELVIS’ HAIR A collection of the King’s clippings will be auctioned off with a starting bid of $10,000. That’s going to look great hanging above the living room sofa.

11 NASHVILLE STAR The USA Network is working on a country-music version of American Idol. The winner gets an ugly divorce and a drinking problem.

12 ED SULLIVAN There’s a new nine-disc DVD collection of classic music acts that appeared on his show. You can also use the DVDs to practice your plate spinning.

13 COFFEE ROASTERS The newest must-have gadget for the yuppie kitchen. Be warned, it clashes with the electric grape peeler.

14 THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY Residents of L.A.’s giant hood may vote to become a separate city next month. They’re tired of people thinking they park cars for Angelenos.

15 LAS KETCHUP The Spanish group’s novelty song ”The Ketchup Song (Hey Hah)” could be the next ”Macarena.” And the band could be the next what’s-their-name.

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