Alton's all wet -- in the tub and out
Alton’s all wet — in the tub and out
Arissa, apparently, is not fond of outsiders. Just a few weeks ago, she sat on the edge of the hot tub, smiling with encouragement as three of her roomies churned the water with a frenzied menage. Yet on the Oct. 29 episode, when she discovered Alton groping a bikini-contest-winning stranger in that tub, well, that crossed a line — even though, technically, the writhing trio of Steven, Trishelle, and Brynn could have left behind six times the bacteria as any mere club dancer.
Eventually, she forgave Alton, who was missing his ex-girlfriend, Melissa, even though they had broken up because she cheated on him. Steven suggested that distance was making Alton only remember the good times, which I thought was a good point…until I realized whose love advice I was seconding. When you start following Steven the gay-bar divorcee’s Seven Rules for Highly Infective People, you might as well buy that single cemetery plot now, because you know you’ll be dying alone.
Overwhelmed by the sultry vibe of Vegas, Alton was feeling sexual when he met bikini queen Machela. He wooed her by feeding her mozzarella cheese sticks: it was like a remake of ”9 1/2 Weeks” set in a TGIFridays. When he called Melissa afterwards to tell her about his tryst, she confessed that way back in her momentous cheat, she had done more than just kiss. This sent Alton into the kind of rage that only one man could calm: Billy.
Who is Billy, you ask? Billy is a slightly puffy and confused middle-aged man who made the mistake of being by the bar when Alton stormed in to drown his sorrows. The more multicolored drinks Alton chugged, the more he droned on to Billy about his problems. But I was less interested in Alton’s woes than in trying to come up with the mysterious Billy’s backstory: Bar owner hoping ”Real World” exposure will give his establishment free publicity as ”the bar that cares”? Man mentally pleading for his wife to get out of the bathroom so he can get away from the open wound next to him? Lonely conventiongoer trolling for female companionship, but accidentally hooking Alton and having the exact opposite of the evening he’d hoped for?
I vote for Billy to become the eighth roommate: All scenes would be a lot funnier with the bewildered presence of a middle-aged guy who’s not sure how he got there. Imagine this: Trishelle and Steven are madly grinding in the bedroom, and the camera pans over to Billy, lying awkwardly in bed, fingers jammed in his ears and eyes clenched shut. He should be a template character for every subsequent season: ”Okay, there’ll be a gay guy, a small-town girl, and a 40-year-old guy who is always paralyzed in a mixture of disgust and bafflement…”
One only wonders what Billy’s reaction would be to hearing Brynn’s rump-shaking solution to her money woes. Is there any viewer who, after hearing her complain about her lack of cash, didn’t know exactly where this was heading? ”I’ve never go-go danced before, but I knew coming here that I wanted to try to get a job doing it,” she said. Brynn sure has a one-track conception of blending in to the local culture. I’m sure if she had ended up on next season’s European cast, her primary goal in France would be to stick her tongue down some guy’s throat.
Brynn is truly in her element in the go-go world. When she showed up for auditions, and saw the line of women shaking their asses in hot pants and fishnets, she gazed at them as if she were a T-ball player who had just wandered onto the Yankees’ playing field. As near-strippers go, these were the best of the best! Gosh, isn’t that Cherry Luv, the woman who can snatch up 10 one-dollar bills with her butt cheeks in one pass? And — oh God! — that’s the infamous Honey Lipps, who once held herself upside down on a pole with only her ankles, all while undoing some guy’s zipper with her teeth! These women are Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, and Jenna Jameson all rolled into one, and then stuffed into a microwedgie!
Big surprise: Brynn was called up to the big leagues when a Rain dancer was sick. ”I think I might have underestimated my abilities!” she cried. Meanwhile, this only confirmed that I had estimated her abilities perfectly. She was a screaming success, leaving with a bikini-top full of ones and fives. The least she could do with her newfound wealth is buy Billy a drink.
Who’s your favorite roommate in the Vegas crew?