Here's why Hallmark-y Gwen will snag Aaron

Now that we’re down to the final four, the mad dash for the diamond ring has officially begun. We could spend hours discussing how on earth Heather from Texas thought her skanky tactics would win Aaron’s heart or why the exceedingly shy Hayley ever opted to go on this show to begin with, but they’re rose-free losers so why bother?

Well, actually, as a cautionary tale, let’s revisit some of Heather from Texas’ Christi-like confessions. ”If this is what love is like I guess I was never in love before.” That’s right, honey. ”He is everything, at this point, to me in my life.” Oh really? ”I don’t think you can deny love.” Try him. ”[What we have] would make someone roll over in their grave.” Probably anyone who’s actually been in love. ”I see Aaron as my husband. No doubt about it.” Guess again, sister.

But moving on to the winners’ circle. It seems like Helene, Brooke, Angela, and Gwen all have a bit of second-season syndrome. They all saw what happened with Alex and Trista and don’t want to be deceived and then humiliated on national television. It seems like these women want guarantees that Aaron will propose to them in a few weeks. They’re all so aware that they are part of a game that the concept of actually falling in love seems to elude them. ”If I don’t feel I can win, I’m not gonna try,” Helene said. So much for getting to know a guy.

Speaking of Helene, is she turning into a heartless man-eater or what? She started off so endearingly sweet and was ready to leave the show because she didn’t like all the girl-on-girl backstabbing. But in the past week or two, her game has emerged: Make Aaron feel insecure (”You look like a moron in some of those pictures,” she said on their date), threaten to leave every so often, and talk everyone else’s ears off so no one can discuss what a bitch you’ve become. If she’s going for the ring, that’s not how to get it.

As for Helene’s sister contestants Brooke and Angela, these two cuties don’t have a chance. Brooke, though by far the most beautiful, is a little too weepy and childish for Aaron. He always seems to be rubbing her back to sooth her frazzled nerves. I keep expecting him to bring her a Barbie convertible to make her smile. And while Aaron claims that Angela has a good sense of humor, we have yet to see it. In fact, we have yet to see that she has a pulse.

Right now my money is on Gwen. Sure, she dresses in Oscar-gown ripoffs, but he sure seems to melt when she throws out cheesy Hallmark-esque sayings like ”Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.” If only these women would date like nobody’s watching, true love would have a shot.