Brynn has lust in her heart -- and she's not alone. She blows up over Steven and Trishelle's lovemaking, but all's well that ends well, says Josh Wolk
The Real World
Credit: The Real World Las Vegas: MTV

Brynn has lust in her heart — and she’s not alone

The Oct. 15 episode of “The Real World” began as just another night, with Trishelle and Steven doing their habitual mash on the dance floor. They’re quite the romantics: Trishelle said they have a “weird connection,” while Steven said “her breasts are always on my mind.” The jealous Brynn complained that they were rubbing their lust in her face; I would argue that they were rubbing it in everyone’s face, and possibly getting it on everybody’s clothes.

When the happy and gropey couple landed in bed, it may have been the “Real World”‘s most illustrative boinking yet, with a blanket-covered Trishelle straddling Steven and bouncing up and down. Frank, sleeping just feet away, did his best to think happy Pennsylvanian thoughts to ignore them — to no avail. “When it wakes up Frank, that’s when he gets upset,” he said. I can commiserate, having once had a college roommate who would have sex with his girlfriend on the top bunk above me. However, as uncomfortable as it got, it never drove me to speak of myself in the third person.

Trishelle and Steven took their party to the confessional room, out of courtesy to Frank. Is it really that much more polite to take your boinking into the room where everyone tells their darkest secrets? That’s like being chastised for chewing with your mouth open, and remedying it by spitting your food into the complainant’s jacket pocket.

Flaunting their escapades was more than the envious Brynn could bear quietly, and thus began Vegas’ biggest blow-up since Siegfried shrank Roy’s cape in the dryer. After Steven called Brynn a bitch, she got so angry she threw a fork at him. Alas, in true “Real World” tradition, there was no footage of the incriminating utensil toss. Where the hell were the cameramen, off being wooed by sweet-talking party planner Marc?

After a brief hiatus, the fight resumed with Brynn thumping Steven in the chest, and Steven making his case-closing riposte, “I’m a f—ing slut, but you’re a f—ing ho!” It’s not exactly, “You sir, are no Jack Kennedy,” but to be fair, he’d have been able to come up with something better if his mind weren’t so darned distracted by Trishelle’s breasts.

Steven told everyone that Brynn could not stay in the house, because if she kept attacking him, he might eventually lash out, and then he would be branded a woman-beater. Interesting legal logic: that’s essentially asking for a restraining order on someone else so you don’t hurt her. Maybe by using Steven v. Brynn as legal precedent I can sue McDonalds for using hot coffee that I would potentially be tempted to drink and spill on myself.

Brynn dramatically confessed that she acted like a bitch because… because… she really liked Steven! And her jealousy made her act so very horridly! And just when I suspected that we were headed into another “Real World” One to Grow On moment, Steven snapped back, “This is not elementary school. I want you gone.”

Huh? An immature response was recognized as just that? This was unprecedented! Would this be the beginning of a Brave New Real World, where facile psychological explanations for bad behavior are swatted down for the poor excuses that they are? What next, roommates showing up for work on time? A fat guy with back hair being cast for the show? This was amazing!

But then came what I will dub the Family Circus moment. As a kid I used to love the Sunday installments of the comic strip when Jeffy would be sent on a small task — say, to go check the mail — and black dashes would illustrate how he took a circuitous and mischievous route before getting to the mailbox. He’d play with the dog, steal some pie, maybe punch that “Not Me” Shmoo in the gut, but in the end, he still ended up having to do his mundane assignment, as unavoidable as Oedipus’ prophecy.

Well, the roomies ended the episode at the mailbox. After all the loopiness, with Brynn on the precipice of being tossed out of Vegas… she had the kind of heart to heart with Steven that we’ve seen on countless “Real World”s before. She recounted how she couldn’t show her soft side because if she lets someone in, she fears she’ll get hurt. This epiphany was barely relevant, and sounded like she had filled out a Dr. Phil Mad Lib. But then Steven forgave her, saying she reminded him of himself at age 20. (Now that he’s a wizened 23, he’s apparently matured. For example, the old Steven might have had sex on the dining room table while the others were eating, rather than demurely taking it into the confessional.) Then they hugged. That’s right, hugged.

It was the same kind of hug that has almost ended every single “Real World” argument since Kevin fought with Julie in New York. As quickly as they were inflated, a million fat guys with back hair’s reality-show dreams were popped. And to further underline just how little had changed, Brynn jumped on the bed to give Trishelle and Steven a group hug. Isn’t this how the whole mess started?

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