We rate Madonna in ''Shanghai Surprise''

MADONNA PLAYS Gloria Tatlock, a nurse and missionary caught in intrigue in 1937 China

FRIENDS/LOVERS IN THE CAST Then-husband Sean Penn, as adventurer Glendon Wasey

DOES SHE SING? No, but there are five tunes by the film’s producer, George Harrison

MEMORABLE MOMENT Perhaps anticipating ”A League of Their Own,” Madonna and Sean help a Chinese gangster brush up on his baseball skills.

REDEEMING CAMP VALUE The dialogue is full of priceless non-sequiturs, like Madonna telling Sean, ”We can’t have you leaving Shanghai without tasting the duck.”

WE SAY If you and your husband made this movie, you’d get divorced, too.