Scream queen Elvira answers some stupid questions -- The Mistress of the Dark sounds off on Halloween, her new movie, and Eminem
Credit: Elvira: Evan Agostini/ImageDirect

Elvira's Haunted Hills

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark returns to the big screen after a 14-year absence. ”Elvira’s Haunted Hills” has been creeping into theaters since early spring, and will debut on video Oct. 1. The film, part ”Young Frankenstein,” part ”Rocky Horror Picture Show,” is a throwback to the B-movie screamfests of Vincent Price and Roger Corman and an unofficial sequel to 1988’s ”Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.”

Since it IS the season of the witch, caught up with the ultimate vamp-tramp and posed 10 stupid questions.

Santa spends his Christmas sliding down chimneys, eating milk and cookies, and spreading holiday cheer. How do you spend Halloween?
Having people sit on my lap and telling me what they want [laughs]. Unfortunately, I usually won’t give it to them.

How do you get your Morticia Addams-style dress to stay put? Do you use tape, glue, or a little black magic?
There is nothing in there except my major-steel-belted, double-radial bra, which contains a lot of metal. There’s no glue, no staples, no nails involved.

What happens if you set off airport-security alarms?
I always opt for the strip search.

Any décolletage tips for Anna Nicole Smith?
Ooh la la! Mine are just hills. Hers are more like the Rocky Mountains. I would say a crane would come in handy.

Who do you think would look better in an Elvira getup: Eminem or John Rocker?
Actually, Eminem. First of all because he loves gay men SO much. And secondly because he’s prettier. Anyway, I love [”The Real Slim Shady”]. I did that song a couple of years ago. [Rapping] ”I’m Elvira, the real Elvira!/All you other Elviras are nothing but liars./So won’t the real Elvira please stand up, please stand up?”

You look exactly the same as you did 20 years ago. Did you steal Dick Clark’s youth potion?
Actually, Dick Clark has been accused of having a painting of himself hanging on the wall that continues to age and he stays young. Well, I have Dick Clark tied up in my basement. He’s aging, and I’m staying young.

Your alter ego, Cassandra Peterson, once made out with Jimi Hendrix in 1969. How would you describe the Jimi Hendrix experience?
Big and wet. Let me say no more.

In the ’70s, Cassandra once took acting classes with a pre-Wonder Woman Lynda Carter and a young Debra Winger. Twenty years, two films, and many TV shows later, do you have any Method acting tips to give them?
Less acting, more cleavage. Hey, it worked for me!

In the movie, you play a can-can performer who gets trapped in a haunted castle in Romania. And the movie was shot there. How would you rate the accommodations?
Pretty bleak — kind of like going back 500 years. It’s very much like ”Gilligan’s Island.” We’re talking oxen pulling carts here, old peasant ladies driving flocks of geese in front of them. Really primitive, but very friendly.

Will there be a third Elvira movie?
We hope so. We have to wait and see if we make money on this one. And that will make all the difference.

Elvira's Haunted Hills
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