What the country is talking about this week...

1 BRITNEY The pop tart is taking six months off to relax. That’s what Debbie Gibson said 10 years ago.

2 SIMONE Al Pacino creates a digital movie star so lifelike that people think she’s real. A problem Anna Nicole Smith never has.

3 NIC CAGE The reputed collector of Elvis memorabilia married Lisa Marie Presley. She comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.

4 PRINCE CHARLES HRH is reportedly launching a line of clothing using British wool. For those special people who want to look paler and older than they really are.

5 ELVIS The singer topped Forbes’ dead celebrity earnings list, raking in $37 million last year. Making all the other dead celebrities look like slackers.

6 CHER’S FAREWELL TOUR At 56 the diva says she’s had enough. It’s time to let someone else make the entourage miserable and unhappy.

7 BLUE CRUSH A plucky girl enters a life-threatening surfing contest in Hawaii. Based on the book Gidget Gets Killed.

8 THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH Eddie Murphy runs a nightclub on the moon 85 years in the future. And still people on earth are complaining about the noise.

9 ONE HOUR PHOTO Robin Williams is insanely obsessed with a family he knows only from looking at their photos. The Kennedys.

10 ROLLING STONES Their latest album will cover their 40 years in the business. Remastered from the original 78s.

11 SERVING SARA Matthew Perry falls for Liz Hurley while presenting her with divorce papers. It’s the dream job: Meet available women and make money.

12 OSCARS Hollywood says they’ll never, no way, move the entire ceremony to New York. New York says, ”Watch your racehorses.”

13 SHAQ He may produce a TV show about an injured basketball player who coaches kids. On which Mercedes to buy and where to get custom-made clothes.

14 GOLDIE HAWN She’s rumored to be moving her family to Canada so her son can play hockey with the best. And if he takes up marathoning, they’ll move to Kenya?

15 SORORITY LIFE The MTV reality show follows the sisters of Sigma Alpha Epsilon Pi. Then it will change to Unemployed Life.