Getting Anna-Mated

Outrageous? Yes. Courageous? Kind of. Contagious? ‘Fraid so. The come inside my wacky go-nuts life! genre of reality TV just got a little bigger: The Anna Nicole Show — a series about everybody’s favorite eccentric actress/Playmate/merry widow, Anna Nicole Smith — gave E! its highest household ratings ever with its recent debut. (What’s the appeal? It’s just like The Osbournes, but with less metal and more slurring.) Seeking to make this guilty pleasure even more guilty, we present…the Anna Nicole Show Drinking Game.

— Every time she’s seen without her attorney, Howard, take a drink.

— Every time she addresses the camera, take a drink. (If she comes on to the camera, do a double.)

— Every time she stumbles, clumsily spill a shot all over your face.

— Every time she talks about masturbation, take a sip of blush wine.

— Every time she mentions the fact that she hasn’t had sex in two years, take a drink while fastening a chastity belt around your waist.

— Every time she flaunts her breasts, adjusts them, or refers to them by name, take two drinks. (Caution: Please have an EMT standing by in case of alcohol poisoning.)

— Every time she converses with her pooch, Sugar Pie, share a Milk-Bone with your dog.

— Every time she encourages Sugar Pie to hump her stuffed bear, rub up against the person to your left.

— Every time Anna Nicole herself mounts an object or person, close your eyes, plug your ears, and chant, ”La-la-la-la-la-I’m-not-listening!”

— Every time she mispronounces a word, throw a dictionary at the TV.

— Every time she bickers with her assistant, Kim, punch the shoulder of the person to your right.

— Every time she engages in a sweet-‘n’-awkward conversation with her son, Daniel, call your mom and tell her that you love her.

— Every time she refers to — or directly addresses — her late 90-year-old billionaire husband, give $475 million to the person on your left.