Amy eats lotsa cheese -- then says goodbye. The former beauty pageant contestant faces up to her more unpleasant traits and leaves the house in a blaze of moral glory, says Dalton Ross
Big Brother
Credit: Big Brother3: Tony Esparza/CBS
Big Brother

Amy eats lotsa cheese — then says goodbye

You know, it was easy to make fun of Amy. First off, she kept bragging about her beauty pageant experience, which is frightening in itself. And then there were her pathetic attempts to steal Chiara’s (excuse me, ”Kiki’s”) boyfriend. Throw in the fact that she is, after all, the girl who got wasted in the tree, and you’re looking at three strikes.

But I actually began to feel sorry for the Southern belle en route to her eventual eviction. It really happened for me when I saw her sitting on her bed Wednesday night stuffing — I mean SERIOUSLY stuffing — her face with cheese. I mean, I like cheese. Brie is awesome, and I even named a cat of mine Havarti (R.I.P.), but this scene was pretty downright sickening. How can one person fit THAT MUCH CHEESE into her mouth at one time?

It was like the old 30-clowns-in-the-tiny-car trick at the circus, only in reverse…and with cheese! This woman obviously was in emotional distress. Which is why I’m gonna temporarily break from form and hand it to her. She could’ve cracked like so many ousted ”Big Brother” contestants before her (hello, Lori!), yet she managed in the end to not only keep it together, but to actually get all reflective, introspective, and lots of other ”ive’s” that are foreign to most of the shameless self-promoters who show up on this peepfest.

Amy took a long, hard look at herself, decided she didn’t necessarily like everything she saw, and she tried to make amends for it. Good for her! Of course, ”Big Brother” producers (the same ones that made the contestants get naked in a big vat of slime in week 1) want no part of any sort of moral reawakening, so no doubt they were that much more relieved when she was shown the door.

And now that Amy has been kicked out, I would like to make a humble plea for an addition in her place — Marcellas’ mother! She seemed like a really loving and caring mommy, right until she went into her bitter disappointment over finding out her son was gay. She says she’s (kind of) accepting now, yet she still managed to list every conceivable derogatory term for homosexual on national television. Classy, classy stuff.

While we’re adding people, I’ve got another potential guest who should be brought in for a spell. You know who I’m talking about — Nadia Comaneci! Oh, excuse me, make that ”freakin’ Nadia Comaneci,” as Eric is prone to address her in his slumber.

Apparently, the gold medal winner is quite ”ambidextrous.” Personally, I didn’t think Eric could pronounce that word properly AWAKE, much less in his sleep. Seems I’m underestimating the Incredible Bulk, which would be a mistake because you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…or sleeping next to you.

Alas, I think we’ll have to stick with the contestants we have, although Julie Chen (who continues to baffle contestants and audience alike with her complete lack of interviewing skills) did promise some crazy new twist next week, and if it’s half as good as the veto, I’m down for it. Actually, I’m not so much a fan of the veto itself as I am the veto necklace that accompanies it. That thing is phat! In fact, I’m gonna see if I can find a jeweler to make me a replica version that I can wear around the neighborhood. High fashion, people!

What do you think the next twist will be?

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