Learn to be an evil villain online
So many criminals, so little personality. Today’s buttoned-down villains ought to learn a lesson from Dr. Evil, or at least take up his fashion sense. As the good, er, bad doctor says, ”The truly evil murder with style.” But not every malefactor is born with a pair of silver Hush Puppies on his feet. Let these websites guide you to a more sophisticated — and humorous — life of vice.
MINIME.COM (minime.com) Come to Papa. This teensy-weensy website (literally a one-inch square) includes a manual on cloning and a microscopic photo album. Plus, Dr. Evil bought 25 million of those vile pop-under ads to further pollute the Internet. And be sure to visit the ”Austin Powers in Goldmember” site (austinpowers.com), where you can download a Dr. Evil-themed PowerPoint presentation business pack — perfect for Martha Stewart’s next shareholder meeting. A
VILLAINSUPPLY.COM (villainsupply.com) Whether you need a new secluded mountaintop villa to hatch a master plan or a doomsday device to help carry it out, this tongue-in-cheek Amazon.com of evil has it all in stock. But be sure to read the small print: The classic ”Briefcase Nuke” may look like a bargain at $12 million, until you realize the uranium is not included. A-
GENERALZOD.NET (generalzod.net) The most overlooked criminal in the ”Superman” movie franchise has been patiently updating his homepage for years. And ever since that nuclear blast in ”Superman II” freed him from the Phantom Zone, he’s been doling out advice (he could become the next Ann Landers!) and recording MP3s with his industrial hardcore band featuring Non and Ursa. Now it’s your turn to kneel before Zod. A
SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO BE EVIL (evil-guide.tripod.com) Consider it the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Evil. We like the section on secret lairs, especially the space-station and corporate-tower motifs. (Conspicuously missing, though, is the popular undersea hideout.) But the fashion tips, which include the robotic exoskeleton and evil-twin disguises, are a bit retro: ”Intelligence Transferred into a Computer” is so Y2K. But this is still the safest place in the world to practice your ”Muahahahaha!” B+
EVILPEOPLE, INC. (gaijin.com/EvilPeople) Enron and WorldCom may have lied about their finances, but EvilPeople, Inc.’s annual report shows exactly how much money was spent on bribery, brainwashing, and ”Machines to Kill Mr. Bond With.” The website hasn’t been updated since 1999, but there are still job openings available on the corporate level. Just the thing for disgraced Arthur Andersen executives. B-