“Let me tell you something, Paula. If he keeps insulting people like that, he’s going to have an even tougher day.” RANDY JACKSON, after Paula Abdul said Simon Cowell’s nasty comments were the result of his having a “tough day,” on American Idol

“Go and take a happy pill, and we’ll deal with this later.” SIMON COWELL, in response to Jackson, on American Idol

“It was reported today that a bear has gotten loose in New Jersey. Apparently, people in New Jersey were shocked because they’d never seen anything that hairy that wasn’t wearing gold chains.” CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night

“The FBI busted up an Al Qaeda plot to bomb New York City. And the FBI is so excited about that, they announced that they’re going to take the rest of the month off.” DAVID LETTERMAN on Late Show