What the country is talking about this week...

1 The Van Halens Eddie and Valerie have split after 21 years. There goes a potential MTV hit.

2 Julia Roberts Hollywood’s highest-paid actress has married a cameraman. Soon to be Hollywood’s highest-paid cameraman.

3 Michael Jackson The King of Pop has called the chairman of his record company ”racist” and ”devilish.” At least you can’t call him a brownnose.

4 Elizabeth Hurley It turns out that her new baby is the child of reluctant dad Steve Bing. So the kid’s first words won’t be ”It’s not mine.”

5 Reign of Fire Evil, torch-mouthed dragons threaten to take over the world. As if they could do a worse job?

6 Road to Perdition Can sensitive guy Tom Hanks play a Mob hitman? Eh, you got to break a few legs to make a Hamlet, am I right or what?

7 Halloween: Resurrection Mask-wearing serial killer Michael Myers is back. He’s angry about losing his job as director of ethics at WorldCom.

8 Proust comic books Remembrance of Things Past will share the rack with Spider-Man and the Hulk. Is supermemory something teens really wish for?

9 Ted Williams The slugger’s body could be frozen. Fine. It’s when they roll him in bread crumbs that we should start to worry.

10 David Hasselhoff’s rehab Let’s see, he’s rich, well-built, well-preserved, and good-looking. Damn that alcohol!

11 Mike Ovitz The onetime superagent blamed his recent lack of success on the ”Gay Mafia.” Which is run by a drag queen named Donna Corleone.

12 Monk Tony Shalhoub plays a private detective who has a fear of heights, germs, the dark, small spaces, and flying. And yet, somehow, he’s still single.

13 The British Open Tiger Woods is favored to win his third Grand Slam event of the year. Aren’t you glad he’s not in the same business you are?

14 Worst-Case Scenario A weekly show on how to survive horrible but rare disasters. Like having your TV show canceled.

15 Elvis Long dead, the King has another No. 1 single with ”A Little Less Conversation.” Especially on his end.