The drunk, the virgin, and the Noo Yawka -- Dalton Ross gives us the lowdown on the new CBS reality show housemates we most love to hate
Big Brother
Credit: Big Brother 3: CBS
Big Brother

The drunk, the virgin, and the Noo Yawka

As any veteran reality TV viewer knows, it’s silly to jump to conclusions after a show’s first few episodes. After all, last year’s ”Big Brother” winner, the self-proclaimed ”evil doctor,” Will Kirby, seemed like an okay dude at first. However, I am ALL ABOUT jumping to conclusions, and after just two hours of ”Big Brother 3” viewing, there are plenty to draw about our new crew of contestants.

Once again proving about as subtle as an ice pick to Trotsky’s head, the producers of ”BB3” have given us a cast who in Wednesday’s premiere told us how extreme, opinionated, and out of control they are. Halfway through their introductions where they each laid down some cheesy quote about people better watch out because they are totally in your face, I half-expected Poochie the Dog to show up next. (Remember Poochie, ”Simpsons” fans, that outrageous mutt who was ”half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli”?) Of course, once they actually got in the house, we saw their true colors, which are…

First off, there is the house drunk, Amy, who in the show’s first few scant hours managed to down three cocktails, before proceeding to beer while perched in a nest up a tree. (If you missed this, don’t ask.) After last season’s drunken escapades, which included house member Justin holding a knife to woman’s neck and asking if he could bash her head in, you’d think that producers would take a more cautious approach with the hooch. But that would be considered legally insane by any television executive, who cares more about market share then morals.

Then there is Lori, who proved her reality show savvy right off the bat by proclaiming that, ”I believe there may be a lot of back-stabbers in the house.” And I believe you will not be winning this game, Lori.

There’s Marcellas, who I initially picked on my ”Big Brother” fantasy league team…and subsequently dumped because I realized he had more of a chance of bedding hunky Jason than staying in the house another week. (Speaking of Jason, I’m not gonna say anything bad about the last American virgin or I may suffer some sort of serious wrath of God-type stuff.)

Josh is the latest token entry in reality TV’s latest obsession: the obnoxious New Yorker. ”Amazing Race”’s Kevin and Drew were genuinely funny and charming. Josh is just loud, paranoid, and annoying. Throw in some Heather Locklear and Mark Wahlberg lookalikes (Tonya and Eric, respectively), as well as a bunch of other people I can’t yet remember, and you have your players.

If it seems like I’m dissing the crew, well, I am, but I also LOVE them. See, this is how we’re SUPPOSED to feel about the people we’re watching. The first ”Big Brother” gave us lots of nice boys and girls you’d like to bring home to mother, and you know what? It was boring as hell! Last year’s players were vindictive, nasty, and self-absorbed, and it was riveting. (Well, as riveting as watching people brush their teeth and come up with bad white-boy raps could be.)

This year’s model seems the same. Sure, forcing contestants in their first luxury challenge to get nude in slime was as contrived as it was cheesy (when it doubt, make people get naked!), but who cares? It’s sure better than watching those lamewads from Season 1 set up dominoes all damn day long. Now, naked dominoes, that’s a totally different story.

What do you think of ”Big Brother”’s new housemates?

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Big Brother
Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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