Kyle and Keri become bitter enemies -- It's almost the end for the Chicago seven, says Josh Wolk, so what better time for house rivalries to boil over?
The Real World, The Real World

Kyle and Keri become bitter enemies

Life in a ”Real World” house is like summer vacation, a hiatus that interrupts real life. And now, with only one episode left, the Chicago cast did what every young person does at the end of a summer: They threw a huge blowout. But, in fact, the July 1 episode was more of a blowup than a blowout.

The show began with happy footage of Kyle looking like he was taping a ”Join the Big Brother Association” commercial with his visiting younger sibling Austin: It had good-natured teasing, headlocks, and mentoring in the ways of pool. All that was missing was a discussion of where babies come from, but perhaps he handed Austin over to Cara for that tutorial.

Apparently this segment was submitted to serve as Exhibit A in the Keri v. Kyle suit that took up the rest of the episode. Who would have thought that the cooing couple from the first half of the season would turn into such bitter enemies? It’s reminiscent of the ill-fated Amaya/Colin Hawaii romance, except with blessedly fewer uses of the term ”You’re my smoochy.”

The troubles started when Keri requested that someone go with her to drop off their timesheets at the Parks Office. Kyle was far too busy intensely sculpting his hair and accused her of not being able to do anything by herself, which launched the fireworks.

Keri said he was ”the biggest [bleep] I’ve ever met.” And Kyle launched into an odd defense, countering, ”I’m finding that hard to believe, that I’m the biggest [bleep] you’ve ever met.” His point seemed to be that he certainly was a big [bleep], just not the biggest ever. That’s like someone accused of embezzling $10 million saying, ”Nonsense! I may have taken $7 million, but $10 million? Madness!”

When Keri yelled that he was protective of his image because he was planning a political career later in life, the stung Kyle snapped, ”Never touch that topic again! Never!”

First of all, who knew he had political ambitions? Second of all, is he insane? Jesse Ventura in office, maybe. ”The Love Boat”’s Gopher, sure. But an ex-”Real World”er? I think not.

Considering that MTV will rerun these series until the end of time, what chance would he have? Let’s just say that in 10 years, Kyle has matured and is running for Congress in your district. You like his stance on the issues, you think he’s a good candidate…and then you flick on MTV and see him learning how to model and talking about how it was much harder than he thought. Methinks you’d write in Simon Rex before you’d pull the lever on this guy.

Perhaps Kyle should be appointed Secretary of Hypocrisy. When Keri stormed out after this contretemps, he yelled after her, ”Way to conduct an argument, walk away.” But telling someone to never bring up a topic again, that’s considered evenhanded give-and-take?

Then, later in the show, when Keri said that having his brother visit (Exhibit A!) and bringing the roomies to his family’s house was a tactic to look good for the cameras, Kyle flipped out and demanded she ”get off my bed and get out of here. Shut your mouth!”

So in summary: Walking away, immature. Throwing someone out, mature. Perhaps this is the same fine-line logic that Kyle used to make the point that just because he didn’t want to model because it was too gay did not mean that he was homophobic.

And let’s look at what started this brawl: Kyle high-and-mightily told Keri she was slutty for making out with a guy at a bar. When Keri said the comment hurt, he said, ”I’m entitled to my opinions. If they conflict with some of the things you’ve done, I’m sorry.”

The prevalent ”Real World” theory that keeping your mouth shut about what’s wrong with someone else is a betrayal of the self has ceased to enrage me, and now just makes me very, very tired. Yes, he is entitled to his opinions…and entitled to keep them to himself.

By his logic, Kyle is entitled to walk down the street, tossing out comments to passersby: ”Hey, ugly shirt… Lose a little weight, pal…. Bad haircut… You walk funny….” Hey, he’s just keeping it real! I say when you start an argument with this logic, you relinquish all rights to get angry at anything your opponent says.

The other subplot in this episode came from Tonya complaining about Chris’ obsession with his own body. We were then treated to hidden-camera footage of Chris flexing in front of the mirror, gazing at himself lovingly while he took off his shirt and danced around. This could be the most embarrassing footage I’ve ever seen. And yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that Chris watches it and thinks it’s cool, in which case it becomes even more embarrassing. Hey, I’m entitled to my opinions, and if they conflict with some of the flexing he’s done, I’m sorry.

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