'Worst' Aid Kit

Can you ever be TOO prepared in today’s world? You can if you watch TBS’ ”Worst-Case Scenario.” Based on ”The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook,” the show (debuting July 10) teaches folks handy skills like how to escape from quicksand and fend off a shark — potentially making it the most non-boring educational program on TV. As host Mike Rowe declares: ”’Friends’ will make you cry; ‘ER’ will make you laugh; but ‘Worst-Case Scenario’ will save your life.” Oh, really? We asked ”Handbook” coauthor/series consulting producer David Borgenicht to wriggle us out of these scary situations.

I’ve been kidnapped by William Shatner and taken to a karaoke bar. He’s performing hits of the ’80s while clad in leather. Help!
Do not panic. Your odds increase significantly if you remain calm. Wait for your moment — when Shatner takes one of his pregnant pauses — then strike. Grab his toupee, throw it to the back of the bar, then make your getaway as he searches fervently for his piece.

EW I’m hiking in a remote, wooded area, when I’m bitten by a creature resembling Carrot Top. I have reason to believe he’s rabid. My symptoms include headache, sore throat, itching, and an urge to use wacky, oversize props while telling bad jokes. Help!
Whenever you are bitten by a wild animal or rabid comic, you need to act quickly. Use the giant flyswatter prop to capture the creature, then tell him his own bad jokes until he passes out due to exhaustion or annoyance. Seek medical or psychological attention as necessary.

I’m going to a Nelly concert tonight with this hot chick. Alas, while practicing some moves in the mirror, I suddenly realized that I’m really, really white. Help!
Another key to survival is working with the elements at hand (in this case, your whiteness). Accept the fact that you can’t move with the groove, and go for the traditional ”I can’t dance so I’ll just make repetitive motions to the beat” method of getting down.

I was just hired as a closed-caption editor. My first assignment is ”The Osbournes.” Help!
Just write whatever you want — no one understands them anyway.