Aneesa gets around -- Choosing between the User and the Snoozer should teach her a valuable lesson...but it doesn't
The Real World, The Real World

Aneesa gets around

Now I know how the people in neighborhoods where ”Real World”-ers move in must feel after a few weeks: It was a novelty for a while, but I want these friggin’ kids out of my life. Every other ”Real World” season has lasted 22 episodes, but the June 25 episode was No. 22, and there seems to be no end in sight. I feel like I’m playing chicken with MTV: Will I stop watching first, or will they end the season?

This wouldn’t be so painful if the roomies would mix things up occasionally, but they are so intent on making the same mistakes over and over (and eternally blathering on about how they want to stop doing so) that the only way I can figure out whether I’m watching a rerun or a new episode is by the length of Kyle’s stubble. You know that point where you realize you’ve stayed too long at a party, where the drunks are starting to get cranky and then you see someone you once respected throw up on themselves? Right about now, this ”Real World” season is the equivalent of six hours after that. And you don’t want to see what Aneesa has just done in the Chex Mix.

We began with Aneesa yelling at her mother, something about how she wants to tell her dad that she’s a lesbian, and…frankly, at this point I think I blacked out and missed the rest. Her raspy-voiced mother (the voice of ”The Simpsons”’ Lunch Lady Doris? I wonder) is in a perpetual state of exasperation over Aneesa’s rants so no conversation seems to be rewarding on either side. I once heard a mother say about her incredibly obnoxious teenage daughter, ”I love her. I’m not so sure I like her, though.” Seemed harsh at the time, but after enough exposure to Aneesa I’m starting to get it.

Chris jumped in to try to reason with Aneesa, which was his first mistake. He’d have a better chance getting Theo in the hot tub with him and JM J. Bullock than having a breakthrough with Aneesa. Sure, there were all the trappings of an epiphany, as he suggested she was afraid of moving out on her own, and she started weeping. But Aneesa is like the main character in ”Memento”; any personal progress is completely forgotten by the next morning, if not the next five minutes. Perhaps she should get tattoos all over her body that say, ”Stop acting like a spoiled brat,” ”Everyone is not here to serve you,” and ”For God’s sake, shut the door when you’re taking a dump.”

Just in case there were any viewers out there who were unclear on Aneesa’s immaturity, MTV presented a scene from her dating life, which made for a neat little fable that explained it all. Let’s call this little playlet ”The User and the Snoozer: Aneesa Finds a Mate.” First we met Danielle — the User — who frightened me dearly. She bossed Aneesa around and the next thing I knew they were in a hotel room and Danielle was trying to make a porn video starring Aneesa, telling her to ”Touch something” and asking ”What color are your panties?” In a much earlier ”Real World” Watch, around the time Cara was hooking up with Djordje, I believe, I joked that it would not be long before ”Real World” turned into a porno. I don’t know whether to congratulate myself for my prescience or go boil my TV.

Then Aneesa introduced us to the Snoozer: LaTonia, who was not as glamorous as Danielle, but apparently was quite nice. As for personality, well, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say it was left on the cutting room floor. All of it. Well, Aneesa bounced between the two of them, vacillating between staying with the good or bad girl. It was finally decided for her when she came to a club with LaTonia, and Danielle was there, asking Aneesa to come home with her, while LaTonia sulked in the background. Aneesa said no, but did so after dirty dancing with Danielle, submitting LaTonia to whatever is the lesbian equivalent of emasculation. The evening culminated in Aneesa ditching Danielle, and then being ditched by LaTonia.

So the moral of this little tale? The same as every tale: Aneesa needs to stop being a big pain in the ass. Sure, as morals go, it’s no ”Do unto others,” but Aneesa gave up her right to pithiness nine episodes ago.

Running parallel to this was the story of Tonya’s final surgery. While she prepped, she fretted about the thousands of dollars she owed to the hospital, even calling her mysterious photographer friend Darren to help her pay an $850 bill. The whole Darren thing seemed creepy before, and that was before she started throwing around words like ”nerd,” ”he has no social interaction but me,” and ”you’ll have to pretend to be my father.” I’ll wager my DVD copy of ”To Die For” that I know how all this is going to end.

But the episode ended in a very odd way: with actual closure. After applying to a group for relief from her medical bills, Tonya found out they were all taken away, leaving her debt-free. I had to shake my head in disbelief. What? An actual resolution to something? But I don’t want to get too optimistic: Maybe next week she’ll poot out another blood clot and we’ll be back to square one. Then again, maybe that will just be a rerun, and I’ll never know.

Are you developing ”Real World” fatigue?

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