1 DAN QUAYLE The politician thinks Ozzy Osbourne makes a better parent than Murphy Brown. Obviously he hasn’t seen Ozzy’s kids.
2 SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS Everyone in the Peace Corps is waiting to see who wins a million dollars for something they do every day for pennies.
3 THE 24 FINALE I think we all can guess the surprise ending. Kiefer Sutherland falls asleep during a gun battle.
4 DIVAS LAS VEGAS Cher and Mary J. Blige perform in Sin City for a VH1 special. They’re easy to spot — they’re the only two women there not hooked up to oxygen tanks.
5 DIONNE WARWICK They reportedly found less than 5 grams of marijuana in her purse. It was hidden under a sequin.
6 ABOUT A BOY Childless playboy Hugh Grant goes to single-parent meetings to meet women. Suddenly blind dates and singles bars don’t sound so bad.
7 STAR WARS: EPISODE II — ATTACK OF THE CLONES Use the Force; cut in line, Luke.
8 MADONNA She’s impressing snooty British audiences with her London stage debut. They hadn’t heard ”Out friggin’ spot, out!” before.
9 KATO KAELIN The famous freeloader will star in a reality show where he asks strangers to put him up for the night. Or as he likes to calls it, ”dating.”
10 DAVID BLAINE’S VERTIGO The magician will attempt to stand on a tall pole for 35 hours. The audience will attempt to stay awake for 35 seconds.
11 JIMMY KIMMEL The star of The Man Show will get Politically Incorrect’s time slot next year so ABC can go after that hard-to-get demographic — young male drunks.
12 DANIELLE STEEL San Franciscans were upset to find out that the author has 26 parking permits. Now they know how other writers feel when they walk into a bookstore.
13 BOMB-SNIFFING BEES The Pentagon has trained honeybees to discover explosives. The bad news is they cost $3 billion apiece.
14 INDY 500 Racers spend three and a half hours behind the wheel to wind up in the same place they started. You can do that in L.A. seven days a week.
15 ROSIE O’DONNELL The popular talk-show host is quitting a successful daily television stint to spend more time with her kids. So they won’t end up on shows like Jerry Springer.