Keri confronts Kyle. After circling each other for weeks, Josh Wolk thinks the duo will finally put up or shut up...maybe
The Real World
Credit: The Real World Chicago: MTV

”Real World”: Keri confronts Kyle

After the ”Real World” reality-check episode two weeks ago (which could have been subtitled, ”Sept. 11 and Phone Hogs: The Two Biggest Drags Ever”), the show was back to its regularly scheduled whinefest on May 21. The one minor mention of the World Trade Center attacks (Kyle listening to a message left by his girlfriend Nicole at a New York candlelight vigil) seemed more to serve the Kyle/Keri storyline than to indicate that Sept. 11 was anything more than a three-day bummer for the Chicago Seven. Keri and Kyle resumed circling each other like rutting dogs, after a brief and welcome hiatus from their flirt marathon. But at least this time, the end was in sight.

It started with Keri going on a blind date with a friend of some guy Cara met at the gym. I’m sure Cara vouched for him, but it’s pretty tough to take the word of someone whose only dating deal-breaker seems to be if he won’t put out. The group outing didn’t seem to go too well, at least for Keri. We didn’t see how Cara’s date ended, but we can all assume where things went.

At this point in the season, the producers are probably too bored with Cara’s hanky-panky to put it on the show. It’s like how heroin addicts can no longer be satisfied with smoking pot; once you’ve worked your way up to shooting Aneesa on the toilet and a cup full of Tonya’s bloody discharge, how are you going to be happy with Cara’s same-old, same-old humping?

Anyway, Kyle put on a big jealous act when he saw Keri with someone else, and later woke her up to do what looked like making out. His back was to the camera, so perhaps he was just singing her a Princeton fight-song lullaby. But sucking face would be the least patronizing thing he’d do to her all episode. He invited her to a friend’s party, only so he could then bitch to another woman there about how Keri was cramping his style and was probably in love with him…all while she was entertaining herself quite well inside. (I was waiting for a scene when he bought her a pizza and then casually dropped hints that she should go on a diet.)

Then, at episode’s end, he started up with a ”you should find someone who deserves you” rap, which was just a subtle intro to his main point, which was that he only invited her places because he pitied her. At least that was her interpretation, which he vehemently denied; however, considering the pity party line was what he was telling everyone else, it wouldn’t surprise me if he blurted it out to her, too. He grew extremely angry at her for ”putting words in [his] mouth,” but it was the same kind of hypocritical, hyperdefensive rage that you saw come out of Tammy on the ”Survivor” finale. It all comes from a deep, deep denial that can only be manifested by the overpowering urge to look like a good person on TV.

Keri drew the line at this last blow-up, telling Chris and Cara that Kyle had made out with her on numerous occasions, and had sent her 30 romantic letters. Oh, Kyle, don’t you know not to leave a paper trail? But Keri rebounded by going out on the town with her female roomies (including Tonya, in her only appearance in this episode; was she busy waitressing, or out of town making a joint appearance with her blood clot on “TRL”?). Keri met a guy, and brought him home to make out with, which apparently is what counts as empowerment on ”The Real World.”

The other, even more demented storyline, involved Aneesa, who, much like Ike and Tina Turner, never does anything nice and easy…even when it’s something mundane, like losing the van’s keys. So instead of just misplacing them, she left them on a car roof while peeing in an alley at 5 in the morning. She sure puts the ”assy” in ”classy,” doesn’t she? And just to make sure that we didn’t have a moment’s break from her utter disregard for human behavior, she told this sob story to Cara while on the toilet, so her tale was accented with the sound of her pee splashing in the bowl.

Aneesa decided the best way to solve this problem was to get her mother to pay the $650 to replace the car locks. Her mother, whose voice sounded like Selma Diamond’s, completely laid into her with laudable logic. When Aneesa claimed she was trying to be an adult, momma shrieked, ”Not if you’re peeing out in an alley at 5 in the morning!” And when Aneesa played the self-pity card by saying, ”People make mistakes!” her mother yelled right back, ”Yeah, and I’m paying for them!” If not for the raspy voice, I would have thought I was yelling those things myself, so perfectly did they echo the sentiments that I’m usually screaming at my TV whenever Aneesa speaks.

Her mother being no help, Aneesa went down the family tree to her brother, who offered to get a new key made and sent to her the next day. (”Tomorrow’s no good!” wailed Aneesa, proving that not only does no good deed go unpunished with her, but no good deed emerges without a splitting headache.) The key arrived, and Aneesa vowed that she learned she had to be an adult. But considering how quickly everyone forgot about Sept. 11, I’m guessing the ”be an adult” lesson will be a faint memory by her next trip to the bathroom.

What’s up with these crazy kids?

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