1 THE ROLLING STONES Mick and Keith have announced plans for the band’s new road show. The Botox Tour.
2 THE X-FILES FINALE David Duchovny returns to solve the show’s biggest mystery. Which is: Why did they bother filming the last two seasons?
3 ER Anthony Edwards’ two-year-long death scene is finally over. Breaking the record held by NYPD Blue’s Jimmy Smits.
4 SPIDER-MAN SPIN-OFFS Toys, dolls, and cereal should make the producers a fortune. Not like those In the Bedroom action figures.
5 URINETOWN: THE MUSICAL Its 10 Tony nominations are sure to boost ticket sales. They’re working on the sequel right now — Stool Sample: The Operetta.
6 FRIENDS Rachel finally has the baby. It’s already negotiating to get a million dollars an episode.
7 BILL CLINTON The former President met with NBC about hosting a talk show. But he turned it down when they said he couldn’t tell Jay Leno jokes in his monologue.
8 UNFAITHFUL Oh, honey, did I forget to tell you I slept with a guy and it will wreck our marriage and shatter our lives? Whoops, my bad.
9 CSI FINALE It’s going to be completely different. This time someone dies naturally in their sleep.
10 M*A*S*H REUNION A bunch of old guys sitting around telling war stories about making a TV show. If the Army were really like this, everyone would join.
11 CANNES For the next two weeks the south of France will be celeb central. But the rest of the year it’s supposed to be wonderful.
12 RATBOTS Using electronic controls, scientists were able to make rodents move anywhere they wanted. How long before they can do this with children?
13 KID ROCK & HANK WILLIAMS JR. They’ll duet on a song called ”The ‘F’ Word” at the Academy of Country Music Awards. Who wrote it, George Carlin?
14 THE DAYTIME EMMY AWARDS When we find out who wins Best Evil Twin, Best Secret Past, Best Revenge by Jilted Lover, and Best Lousy, No Good, Two-Timing Husband.
15 THE MARY TYLER MOORE REUNION The groundbreaking show featured a single woman living alone in her own apartment. Still the fantasy of many married women today.