Rob is the latest to go. The game just got less interesting with the departure of the lazy loudmouth, says Dalton Ross, and he expects even less excitement as John leads the new team of Soliantu
Rob Mariano, Survivor: Marquesas
Credit: Survivor Marquesas: CBS

Rob is the latest to go

Say what you will about Rob. Yes, he was lazy. Sure, he was homophobic. True, he viewed women more as pawns than equals. But even so, Rob made the game (and the show) interesting. He could’ve just sat back quietly and waited his turn to be eliminated, but what fun would that be, for him or for us? So, while it’s true that this super slow-talking Patriots fan may have had a little too much air between the goal posts (if you get my drift), he wasn’t afraid to spice things up, and apparently the ramifications of his actions will be felt beyond his dismissal, as evidenced by the evening’s most shocking moment, when Kathy voted to get rid of Zoe, her former best buddy.

Apparently, Kathy can’t get past that little powwow over pizza with Rob in which he informed her of Zoe and John’s plan to vote their former tribemate off. Frankly, we’re surprised Kathy could remember any of this considering the mountains of Coors Light she chugged down with Beantown boy. (Sidenote: Product placement on ”Survivor” is a pretty sweet deal, seeing as you get not only exposure to millions of people through the show, but you’ll invariably end up mentioned in this here column as well. In fact, the Sierra Mist people even sent us a few cases of their Sprite-like beverage after we made fun of it last week. That was nice of them, but I’ll tell you what, two cases of the Silver Bullet would be a whole lot sweeter. Who says I can’t be bought?) And what was that about easy K asking to sleep pantless? ”Survivor” contestants are always into getting naked, which would be cool if it weren’t just the ugly ones. Well, ”ugly” is a strong word, but you know what I’m saying.

Speaking of Kathy and Rob, Mark Burnett threw in another interesting little rule change-up: the immunity winner given the choice to transfer said safety to another tribe member. That was basically Burnett pleading, ”Look, Kathy, Rob is the most interesting person on this show. We’re already in our fourth edition of the franchise, and I can’t afford for this one to end up as boring as those lamewads in Africa, so do us a favor and protect your buddy Rob there. I swear, we’ll let you sleep pantless tonight and provide you with a lifetime supply of Sierra Mist and Coors Light…. Plus a Pontiac Aztec. We get good deals on those, too.”

Unfortunately for Burnett (and us), Kathy wisely declined to shed her tacky tribal necklace, and Rob’s fate was sealed. So where does this leave the newly dubbed Soliantu? Pretty much right where we expected it, with nurse John (conceitedly) running the show with his alliance of Robert, Tammy, and Zoe (who incidentally, is the worst on-camera liar I have ever seen in my life — get it together, girl!). Kathy and crazy Sean are still around to stir some stuff up, but they shouldn’t get too comfortable. But once they go, that’s exactly what Soliantu will probably become — nice, comfortable, and boring. At least until John needs someone to pee on his hand again.

Survivor: Marquesas
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