Cara has ex-sex, while Aneesa is naked and proud! Just when the Chicago crew was seeming all tease and no please, Josh Wolk documents the sudden breakout of risque behavior

The Real World
Credit: The Real World Chicago: MTV

Cara has ex-sex, while Aneesa is naked and proud!

Oh, MTV, you mischievous little minx! For weeks I was berating ”The Real World” for tediously fixating on the non-event of Keri and Kyle’s flirtation. And it turns out that all the while I was moaning, the show’s producers were busy stockpiling crazy behavior by the other roomies to explosively release in the all-maladjusted-all-the-time April 9 episode! After all those weeks of blandness, the sudden rush of freaky flavor was all the more tasty. It was as if someone had been feeding you only salt for two months, and then all of a sudden — BAM! — chili pepper!

Let’s start with Tonya’s spicy troubles over Aneesa’s incessant nudity. Aneesa stomps around the house in endless private-parts-on-parades, making sure everyone is constantly reminded that she has genitals. She does everything but whip out a speculum. And her workaday exhibitionism is always the antithesis of sexy, even when she skipped around the house in a thong licking a giant lollipop, looking like she was trying out for the Plato’s Retreat production of ”Babes in Toyland.”

Aneesa’s obsession with all things taboo went a little bit farther this week… all the way into the bathroom. We were treated to her sitting on the toilet, bathroom door ajar, screaming at Tonya to get her some more toilet paper. And then, for emphasis, she illustrated her need by yelling, ”Well, I could wipe my ass with the roll, or maybe the metal thing!” and then rubbed said metal roll-holder against her blurred-out crotch. If you ever wondered what a Farrelly-brothers movie would be like if they took all the jokes out… ta-da!

This all rankled the demure Tonya, who described Aneesa as ”rude and crude.” And for once, I felt in agreement with the Kidney Kid, who finally confronted Aneesa about her behavior. At first it seemed it would go well, since Aneesa diplomatically wore pants for the discussion. But it quickly devolved into typical ”Real World” I-gotta-be-me logic on Aneesa’s side. (They really should start putting dirt floors in ”Real World” houses so it will make it easier for the housemates to dig their heels in.)

Tonya explained that she had a problem when Aneesa was naked and talked about ”coochie.” This is when the average considerate person would say, ”I’m sorry that makes you uncomfortable. I’ll try to respect your feelings.” Instead, we got a lecture on how nudity is beautiful and how Aneesa isn’t going to change. She finally conceded that she would tone down her nudity, in a quintessential non-apology apology: ”I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but if I do it and it has nothing to do with you, you’ll have to deal with it.” You know, I always assumed that ”The Real World” would eventually run out of issues to tackle, but I never ever imagined we’d see this particular scatalogical conflict.

Leave it to Cara to outdo this goofiness. She has an eating disorder. Nothing funny about that, mind you. But it was the way she figured it out herself that was so odd. Cara was her usual happy, happy, joy, joy self (helped along by the anti-depressants she revealed she was taking), getting all gussied up to go out with her ex-boyfriend, Ali, who had done mysteriously hurtful things to her long ago. But her soaring mood came crashing down when Chris gave her a wee pinch on the side. Suddenly, all the Prozac in the world couldn’t stop her mood from swinging, as she burst into tears, ranting about how it was obvious that she had gained seven pounds while in Chicago… all while her roommates bewilderedly stared at her wondering what the hell their sticklike roomie was talking about. (Except Tonya, who once had an eating disorder herself.)

Fortunately, Cara calmed down enough to get down to the business of bedding Ali. She made it hard for MTV’s cameramen to document this, by hiding in a men’s room stall to grind with her ex. But the crew were pros, crawling on their knees to shoot the young lovers’ visible feet as they got all hot and bothered, catching such snippets of romantic conversation as ”Is that all the zipper goes down, or am I retarded?” and ”How do you squeeze those on?” (If you were wondering what porn movies would look like if shot from under the bed…ta-da!) And then it was off to the Djordje Memorial Humping Bed for more surveillance-camera action.

Then things got very Freud for Dummies. Remember how a few weeks ago we learned Cara’s need for intimacy came from her father’s absence? Well, her pathologies only got more obvious. Cara told Chris that she realized her body-image issues had erupted because she didn’t have a boyfriend. It was all so self-aware that it almost seemed like she retroactively came up with the body-image problem to fit her men trouble: ”Hmmm, I don’t have a boyfriend. What kind of symptoms could I come up with to illustrate that fact?” Chris considered her problem and came up with a treatment: having her repeat the words, ”I am somebody, and I am worth it.” Perhaps he was torn between using Jung or Kinsey’s approach, and instead decided to use Robin Williams’ from ”Good Will Hunting.”

Then came the glorious finale, when Cara proclaimed to the house after a night of passion, Ali-style, that she had just had an orgasm, whoopee! And then she celebrated… with a big ol’ fatty chocolate ice cream cone. Poof! Take two doses of male companionship and call me in the morning, you’re cured! And for the cherry on top of the Psych 101 sundae, she was licking a dessert that was the most phallic of symbols. What, there were no hot dogs in the fridge?

She bid adieu to Ali at the airport, prattling about closure. (Although, what kind of closure do you get by getting intimate with someone who once mistreated you? Just asking.) She then told Ali that if her most recent boyfriend, Jared, asked if they had sex, she would lie and say no, because ”I don’t think he needs to know that.” This in front of a camera crew who were taping the whole conversation to put on national TV. It’s good to see that she doesn’t only miss the things that go on in her head, but also the things that go on in front of her eyes. It’s probably a lot easier to find closure that way.

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