Since when does being selfish mean sleeping alone? And who WAS that mystery rock star? asks Josh Wolk
The Real World, The Real World
Credit: Real World Chicago: Rudy Archuleta

Cara sexes it up and Chris shares a secret

Consider the double-standard that men are studs when they sleep with a lot of women, yet women are sluts if they sleep with a lot of men. Is it fair? Why, no, it is not. And all forward-thinking people should keep that in mind before judging Cara who, on this week’s episode of ”The Real World,” fools around with three people — including one mystery rock star — in a single week. As for all of you backward-thinking people, well, you can just refer to her as the Windy City Ho. But don’t tell anyone I gave the okay.

Cara started the episode explaining why she had to break up with her college beau, Jared: Having spent her whole dating life as someone’s girlfriend, she needed to take time to be single. And by ”single” she means dating everyone. And by ”dating” she means ”fooling around with.” And by ”fooling around with,” she means ”making small-town-girl roomie Tonya’s head explode with her promiscuity.” But more on that plate of prudité later.

Cara’s first date was with Jason, a guy she met on the beach. Ironically, though she says she’s dating because she wants to overcome her co-dependence, she brings roommates Kyle and Keri with her for support. Way to take a trip to Planet Me, Cara! I think when Cara spends time in a sensory-deprivation tank, she asks if she can bring a TV. Unfortunately, the date does not go well. This is what’s known as a ”red herring.” When we see this, we think that perhaps Cara will run crying back to Jared, but little do we know that the Jason outing was just a trial run to get her sea legs, before she gets her sea tongue and sea groin. Next thing you know, she goes to a concert with Keri, and that’s when things get really weird.

Was I the only one thoroughly confused by the whole concert scene? First, Keri tells Cara that her friend Matt has tickets to… and then a high-pitched BEEP BEEP sound blocks out what she’s just said. And then Cara chirps with glee, ”Oh my God, I love BEEP BEEP!” The same tones. I was thoroughly confused.

When they got to the concert, the band members’ faces were blurred out, and the confusion lifted; the bleeping was done so their identity would be kept secret. Why? Because later, Cara went out and sucked face with the lead singer and then ventured back to his hotel room overnight. But why the secrecy? If they couldn’t show any faces, why didn’t they just not include this dalliance? Here’s my guess: This mystery band had originally given their approval to be on the show, and only much later thought better of it and backed out.

The reason you see so many blurred faces on shows like ”Jackass” is because people are caught with hidden cameras; afterwards they are told they were filmed and asked to sign a release. If they don’t, they’re fogged out. But a ”Real World” crew is in plain sight, so the singer would know he was being taped as he hit on Cara. If he hadn’t wanted to be shown, he could have either asked the crew to leave or — and this is tough — exhibited some self-restraint and left the one groupie under heavy video surveillance alone.

So this unknown crooner probably thought it was a hoot at first, but at the last minute (most likely after the episode had been finished) he chickened out, and obviously had enough pull to get the network to block him out, resulting in a confusing and messy segment. I’m infinitely curious as to know who it is. After all, what musician would not instantly realize that while scoring with groupies is part of the rock star mystique, scoring with a ”Real World” cast member is unforgivably cheesy? It’s like if Li’l Kim started dating one of the guys from O-Town.

That sordid experience out of the way, Cara then brushes her teeth free of mystery-man saliva, and has a sleepover with her college friend Nick, who is more than happy to sign a release form to get a little reality-TV nookie. She’s not just playing the field, she’s playing all fields, and frankly, she’s getting very good at it. When speaking to Jared, she explains that she’s sorry to be selfish, but she needs to have some alone time (using ”alone” in the most figurative sense you can), and Jared replies that being selfish is one thing, but hurting other people (i.e. him) is another. In other words, doing what she wants is fine, as long as it is exactly what he wants. Nothing like a little guilt trip to make fooling around all the sweeter. Live it up, Cara!

In the episode’s other storyline, Chris was also experiencing sexual angst, although the kind which does not involve bedding Chicago alphabetically. He has slowly been coming out to his housemates, although they have mostly figured it out already. When Kyle and Keri said they thought he was gay, Cara pondered this theory and then said, ”He does kiss me on the forehead A LOT!” as if this was incendiary corroboration. You know those gays: if they’re not listening to Judy Garland and shopping for feather boas, they’re off satisfying their perverted forehead fetishes!

While most of the roomies profess to be ”totally cool” with homosexuality, Theo and Tonya seem on the fence with this particular orientation. You see, Theo has had some troubles with gay people in the past. He says that when he was at a gospel convention with his mother, a gay person hit on him, and he didn’t realize it until it was over. Until what was over? I picture him looking down after a long passionate kiss and finding a rose in his hand, and THEN the realization finally hits him. But now he’s professing tolerance, albeit backhandedly: When Kyle says his friends warned him that Chris may jump him in his bed, Theo says, ”That’s ignorance, pure ignorance!” and then goes on to say, ”As long as he doesn’t come at me with no silly stuff, it’s cool.” Well, it’s not exactly Hands Across America, but it’ll have to do.

At least homosexuality doesn’t give him night sweats, which it seems to be giving Tonya. While outwardly friendly to Chris, she says she disagrees with homosexuality, and her interpretation of it is that it’s a lot of drugs, and a lot of sin. Looks like somebody didn’t watch ”Ellen”! When he asked if he could bring his date, Kurt, up to the house, to keep him out she said, ”No! I just look terrible!” — the most illogically fake excuse a woman could give for not wanting a gay man in her house. (Does she try to keep Aneesa’s vegetarian friends out by saying, ”No, I don’t want them to steal my veal chops!”)

With a homosexual in the next bedroom and a hoochie in the next bed, this might be enough to send Tonya fleeing the show for homogeneous Walla Walla. But look on the bright side: Yes, it’s one closed mind that would remain unopened… but it would also mean one person will have been saved from the future ignominy of ”Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Seasons 2012.”

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