Mike Flaherty pays homage to Larry King's writing style in this week's ringside tirade
WWE Raw Is War
Credit: The Undertaker: Tom Buchanan/WWF

The latest news about the WWF

With all the wartime sturm und drang of the past four months, one of the many news items that got buried was the retiring, late autumn, of chatmeister Larry King’s inimitable USA Today column. A rollicking, ricocheting stream-of-consciousness commentary on all things pop-cultural and political, its hit-and-run haiku was the stuff that morning-coffee spit takes are made of. It was also, however, an incredibly efficient way to reel off a slew of plugs, complaints, kudos and questions about a chaotic, complicated, ever-shifting world…like that of the WWF. So, in a belated tribute to Larry, and the contributing deterioration of our collective attention span, here’s some reflections on life in the squared circle.

You know, watching the opening segment of this week’s ”RAW” (Mondays, 9 p.m., TNN) was like playing Clue — it was Mr. McMahon in the center of the ring with the lead pipe! — can’t wait for his street fight with Flair at the Royal Rumble….

If it’s true that Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Hulk Hogan have all been signed to the WWF, it’ll be either the greatest or worst thing ever to happen to modern wrestling….

Hey, how ’bout that Stephanie and Debra? Catfight! That’s the best work Mrs. Austin’s done since she upbraided the Undertaker for spilling beer on her ”fricking blouse.” You go, girl….

Which reminds me: If there’s a less necessary ring veteran than the Taker currently on the WWF roster, I don’t know who it is….

Yup, it sure looks like Triple H and Stephanie are on the skids. Please tell me that’s the only reason she’s getting so much airtime of late, because, as we’ve come to learn, less of the billion-dollar princess is more (even if her plastic surgeon believes otherwise)….

How annoying are those ubiquitous New York Times commercials? To paraphrase: The only thing more annoying than listening to its yuppie jabronis’ reading habits is the fact that, after years of this nonsense, the Times can’t be bothered to at least shoot a new ad. I could say more, but those opinions wouldn’t be fit to print (ah, I just slay myself)….

Speaking of annoying, did I miss the memo explaining what the hell Test’s ”immunity” actually means? More important: Will his push ever end?…

Think the WWF will ever realize just how over their heads Michael Cole and Coach are? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Pay Joey Styles whatever he wants and get him on TV?now!…

Thank God for Wiliam Regal….

If I wasn’t already excited enough about Sunday’s Rumble, now I have the return of Val ”Hello, ladies” Venis and the Godfather (presumably with hos in tow) to look forward to. Happy day!….

As much fun as it’s been, ”What?” needs to come to an end, and soon….

Has it not occurred to any of the bookers that a big, mottled, scary ass does not a superstar make. Hey, Rikishi: Learn how to wrestle an actual match and get back to us….

If the recent uniting of Sergeant Slaughter and ex-Navy SEAL Perry Saturn isn’t a wartime tag team to beat the band, I don’t know what is….

Who knew what a flop Edge minus Christian would be? C’mon, toothy; we know you’re funnier than that — as my friend Emeril would say, ”It’s time to kick it up a notch. Bam!”…

One last question: The Hip-Hop Hippo??? More anon….

Got an indignant/funny/insightful non sequitur? Send it on in!

WWE Raw Is War
  • TV Show