Josh Wolk reports on the latest moments of sex and betrayal in the Hamptons
The Real World

Which housemate was making the headboard knock?

What happened? After last week’s bacchanal at the ”Real World” Hamptons vacation house, I thought surely we were in for even more salacity this week: Maybe Mike making sweet sweet love to Coral while Rachel rubbed up against Malik’s afro? The possibilities were endless! But ”The Real World” was all foreplay, no follow-through this week: MTeaseV is more like it.

First, Jisela officially lost interest in Malik, poor guy. It was made unofficial last week, what with her making out with 75 percent of the other Hamptonmates, but this week she formally announced she was not attracted to him. But she decided to tell him at the END of the weekend, so she could maximize the time spent ignoring him and denying anything was wrong when he confronted her. I think each and every one of us — male and female alike — has experienced one of these ”What’s wrong? Nothing!” weekends, and I think we would all agree that it’s time well spent. That is, time well spent compared to being kicked in the heart with a concrete boot. (Oh, and let’s not forget that he also discovered a videotape she had made of her mocking him. So let’s make that a broken-glass encrusted concrete boot.)

While torturing Malik, Jisela didn’t even bother to start an orgy with the rest of the house, which is the direction she seemed to be heading in last week. She seemed to be trying to liven things up, videotaping Mike showering naked with the boob-enhanced Vanessa (who, by the way, seemed to be having a consistently difficult time keeping her nipples covered by her bikini. After she got the breast enlargement, did she remember to buy new clothes? Such a rookie mistake. Ask any stripper.) But Rachel put the kibosh on Jisela’s voyeurism, declaring that her camerawork was an invasion of privacy. Yes, there is nothing worse than some pesky Handicammer intruding when you just want to be alone with the MTV CAMERA CREW THAT FOLLOWS YOU AROUND ALL DAY AND NIGHT!

After this, the episode just devolved into the usual ”Real World” bitching. And speaking of bitching, what is with Coral’s new ”Housemates 4-eva!” attitude? Wasn’t the first half of this season devoted entirely to her utter disdain for her roomies? And yet when Malik discovered Jisela’s videotape, Coral took her on, telling her that she loves the men in her house like brothers and doesn’t like them being treated poorly. Moral of the story: Coral just needs someone to fight, and she doesn’t care who. Too bad Mike didn’t learn this earlier; he could have hired a temp to come in every day and antagonize Coral, and she would have left Mike alone the whole time.

Of course, there was one bit of action going on in the house, and it had nothing to do with Jisela. Yes, Nicole let neither rejection nor vomit stand in the way of finally hooking up with her dream man, Bobby. (Or as I like to call him, Baron von Smoothypants.) Nicole reminds me of one of those trick birthday candles where no matter how many times you blow them, they flame back up. Over and over Nicole told the camera things like, ”Bobby and I are going to make mad, passionate love,” and ”I love Bobby,” and yet Bobby seemed in no hurry to reciprocate. She took rejection after rejection (although it is rejection delivered silkily, as only the LoveBob can deliver), but still she pressed on.

Late in the show, after multiple sledgehammer-subtle overtures, she finally said to Bobby, ”Can you ever see us as boyfriend and girlfriend?” Bobby waited a minute (longer than you ever want to hear someone wait when asked that question) and then shrugged and said, ”Yeah. Anything’s possible.” As in, ”If I fell off a 10-story building, and rolled just right, could I live? Anything’s possible.”

So right then, I’m hoping she’ll finally get the point and get off the Bobby tip, for no other reason than I can finally rub out the facial cramps I’ve developed from cringing for 25 minutes. But the next thing you know, her headboard is knocking, she’s moaning and groaning, and Coral, Mike and others are crowded around her door listening to her taking a ride on the Bobby Express. Now how did that happen? Well, considering she refused to admit to Coral that she had sex, who knows, maybe it was Jisela in the bed with Bobby. It wouldn’t be a happy ending, but at least it would be closure we could all understand.

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