“In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.” TINA FEY on SNL

“I don’t even like kids. They’re always sticky, like they’ve got jam on their hands. Even though there’s no jam in the house, they’ve always got jam on their hands. I’m not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands.” Luke (SCOTT PATTERSON), after agreeing to take in his nephew, on Gilmore Girls

“We were in a very odd category. We were up against that first insane bin Laden video.” DAVID LETTERMAN, discussing his Emmy victory, on Late Show

“If Elvis were alive, believe me, you’d be living in Graceland.” Javier (IAN GOMEZ), to the bouffant-sporting pageant contestant Felicity (KERI RUSSELL), on Felicity