1 SHREK It sold $110 million in tapes and DVDs in three days. Some things you just can’t do without in a bad economy.
2 SHALLOW HAL Gwyneth Paltrow plays the 300-pound love interest. The moral being: Forget inner beauty — skinny actresses will always work.
3 MICHAEL JACKSON: 30TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION Gee, it seems like we’ve been making fun of him for only 20 years.
4 I LOVE LUCY’S 50TH ANNIVERSARY If you miss the special, don’t worry. They plan to rerun it for the rest of your life.
5 HARRY POTTER Opticians in Britain say most kids want the round-rimmed glasses he wears. Couldn’t a wizard have conjured up some contact lenses?
6 BOB PATTERSON Seinfeld sidekick Jason Alexander’s sitcom has been yanked. Too much sit, not enough com.
7 24 The new action series in which each episode takes place in one hour of ”real” time. Which is twice as fast as an hour of ”work” time.
8 BRITNEY The title of the 19-year-old pop star’s latest album. She picked it over Me, Me, Me and Boobs, I Did Them Again.
9 GARTH BROOKS The retired singer is plugging his new CD by doing 3 one-hour TV specials. Stuff he wouldn’t have time to do if he were still working.
10 BRAD PITT He’ll appear on Friends. Typical Hollywood — he got the job because of who he knows, not what he knows.
11 THE TICK A new sitcom about a not-so-super hero with the strength of an insect. He just can’t catch any criminals that wear flea collars.
12 DREW CAREY Blue Man Group will join him for his third live show. So that’s where Mimi gets her makeup tips.
13 COMFORT FOOD Suddenly chefs are all making macaroni and cheese and chicken potpie. Could we get a good bottle of chocolate milk to go with that?
14 THE BERNIE MAC SHOW The no-nonsense King of Comedy suddenly finds himself raising three kids. It’s like living with Dr. Huxtable’s evil twin.
15 MELISSA GILBERT The Little House on the Prairie star is now the president of SAG, the Screen Actors Grange.