Who has more fun, blonds or brunettes? Turns out that once the bar is open, everyone's equally slutty, says Dalton Ross
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Temptation Island
Credit: Temptation Island 2: Jason Willheim/Fox

Heavy drinking leads to steamy lap dances

We all remember the first season of ”Temptation Island,” right? There were seemingly endless amounts of kissing, dissing, and other acts of mild debauchery. The show was scandalous, but more for its premise (of trying to entice couples to break up on national television) than for any actual dirty deed. In the end, all four couples reunited, and, admit it, you felt a bit cheated.

So you can hardly blame producers of this year’s flesh-fest for trying everything possible to entice some heavy hanky-panky. And, so far, that endless engineering has been the show’s biggest weakness. The third installment (Nov. 15) began by wasting a good 20 minutes on introductions and explanations, as the contestants went ”power dating” (spending two minutes with each single of the opposite sex to find the best possible connection). Not only was it just plain boring, but we were forced to repeatedly listen to Tommy’s lame-brained ice cream analogy in which he asked women if they preferred the flavor chocolate or vanilla. (Translation: are you down with hooking up with a black guy?)

Finally, matches were made and the real dates began, but once again, every aspect was so micro-managed, there seemed no real room for the pairs to get down and dirty. Sure, the outings were scenic, but who’s gonna start sucking face smack dab in the middle of learning how to feed a baby monkey? At least we were treated to the evening’s most priceless moment when Genevieve told her date Tom how she had her tubes tied because she never wanted children, with cameras then cutting to her obviously distraught boyfriend Tony discussing his dreams of having 2.5 kids — until fate intervened. ”Some of the most important things, you don’t decide,” Tony philosophized. ”They’re decided for you.” Talk about a Jedi-pep talk gone bad!

Only when the couples returned to their respective resorts did the action heat up. Freed from the constraints of having to jaunt around the island, the contestants concentrated on what they do best — getting INSANELY drunk. And let me tell you, people, when the drinks are pouring, this show ain’t so boring. It began with Edmundo having his neck licked by a slutty blond named Hillary. Apparently, in an attempt to prove that blonds don’t have more fun, redhead rocker Amanda decided to get in on the action, licking the other side (plenty of neck to go around, folks!) while twisting Edmundo’s nipples. It could only lead to one thing: lap dance! And not just for Edmundo either. Ice cream connoisseur Tommy was in on the action as well.

It all points to one obvious format change that needs to be adopted. The weekly bonfires are fine and all, but forget all these pseudo-romantic excursions. All you really need to do to make the remainder of the series must see TV is just keep these poor souls liquored up at the bar and sparks WILL fly. For proof, just listen to this pearl of wisdom dispensed by the ever-discriminating Edmundo. ”I want the full experience,” says Ed. ” I don’t just want to narrow it down to one or two girls.” Tequila shots on the house!

Temptation Island
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