Inspired by visitors from the ''Casting Special,'' Jisela and others start a make-out marathon, says Josh Wolk
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The Real World
Credit: The Real World: MTV

A smooching party resembles bad porn

This season’s ”Real World” cast should be ashamed of themselves. They are so passive and fun-free that the producers not only had to bus in members of ”Road Rules” to liven up the house, but also rejects from the ”Real Word/Road Rules Casting Special.” I was waiting to see an MTV van speed by and toss Tom Green, Pauly Shore, and Jenny McCarthy out on the front stoop.

The problem in the ”Real World” house had been the gender divide. The men would go out together while the women stayed home; Coral and Nicole because the rest of the city did not deserve their company, Rachel because her mother told her evil people lurked outside her door who just wanted to touch her shame-shame spot, and Lori because being unsuccessfully boy-crazy at home is ultimately less exhausting than doing it around boys. But the visiting reality-TV road crew made sure that men and women WOULD interact… and in a way that I didn’t know basic cable could show.

Things started innocently enough, with Malik describing how terribly in love he was with Jisela, who seemed equally smitten. Their unrelenting snuggling and smooching was delightfully romantic… and that was officially the last time the word ”romantic” could be used anywhere near this episode.

The roomies were told that they would be going on vacation in the Hamptons, and they could all invite one person from the ”Casting Special.” When that special first aired, I thought it was a bad idea to have all the finalists congregate, since they’d all know each other when they arrived at their house or Winnebago. But I had no idea it would be the bad idea that kept giving. Now they’re all like members of some big MTV cult, far too quick with the hugs when they see each other, which is far too often. Plus, I couldn’t even remember that some of these people had been on the ”Casting Special.” Sure, I recognized Adam and Blair from ”Road Rules,” but who were Patrice, Jenn, and Vanessa? I’ll admit there is a certain cheap thrill in seeing the ”Real World” and ”Road Rules” casts meet, in the same way that those ”Love Boat” and ”Fantasy Island” crossover episodes back in the day used to be a kick. But by also tossing rejects into the mix, it’s like watching an NBA all-star game where college students who weren’t picked in the draft are starting.

Once this group got together, the partying that the ”Real World” producers had long been dying for finally started, and Jisela quickly proved that she has got a lot of love — and tongue — to give. Once everyone was sufficiently liquored up, Jisela made out with Lori, Kevin, and then — after taking off her top — Blair. And not just a little peck and a giggle: full-out, open-mouthed, spit-swapping making out. You would have thought you were watching a porn movie, except the dialogue wasn’t good enough.

Jisela later said that Malik shouldn’t let this ruin their relationship. ”I’m not gonna stop flirting,” she said. Later, Malik said, ”She thinks I’m hurt because she’s flirtatious.” Just what is their definition of flirting? I don’t want to sound like a naïve old man, but in my day ”flirting” meant eye contact, laughter, and the occasional touch on the arm. For them, it seems to involve at least three orifices.

Malik, as is his way, kept his cool throughout most of this, but after Kevin confessed his Jisela face-sucking session, Malik confronted her. Her defense? Yes, she had made out with half the house, but she never made out with, say, Mike or Rachel! (Well, not yet anyway, but that might be just because she was all groped out for the night.) Not exactly the defense you’re looking for from someone you love.

Watching Malik calmly get his heart broken by this visiting vixen was painful to watch. Fortunately, there was one upside to the episode that could salvage your mood: Nicole’s dream date Bobby returned, and she managed not to throw up on him once. On the ”Real World,” you take happy endings where you can get them.

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