What the country is talking about this week...

1 THE EMMYS It shows the country is getting back to normal. So would a day of all-Gary Condit all-the-time news.

2 GENE HACKMAN After a minor fender bender in Hollywood he reportedly got in a fistfight with the other driver. He thought O.J. was still in Florida.

3 JONATHAN FRANZEN The author of The Corrections snubbed Oprah Winfrey. His next book will be called My Years Working at McDonald’s.

4 DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE A father must protect his young son from his ex-wife’s crazy, violent new husband. I’ll wait for the musical.

5 MTV The music-video channel is laying off 450 workers. But no one essential, like hair and makeup people.

6 THE PRODUCERS The Broadway hit is selling a few seats to each show for $480 apiece. But you have to sit next to the common $100-a-ticket people.

7 SEINFELD Syndicators pulled an episode about poisoned envelopes. Hollywood — doing its part to keep America safe from sitcom reruns.

8 JENNIFER LOPEZ Reports say she’s too scared to come to NYC now. Did I miss something? Is shopping dangerous?

9 WHOPPERSAURUS Scientists discovered a crocodile fossil the size of a city bus. It had a 200-pound poodle in its stomach.

10 INVINCIBLE Michael Jackson’s album has met with mixed reviews. Some say it’s so-so, but others say it’s ho-hum.

11 NO SMOKING Los Angeles may ban smoking in its city parks. It screws up the readings on the smog detectors.

12 35th CMA AWARDS Celebrating the best in country music this year. As if something changed from last year.

13 CROSSING OVER John Edwards didn’t know that people would think exploiting WTC victims was in poor taste. How psychic can he be?

14 PAULA JONES For her remarriage this week she wore something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Her body.

15 MONSTERS, INC. An animated film that says monsters hide in the closet because they’re scared of small children. Who isn’t?