Mike Flaherty advises the McMahons to get their show back on track, but in the meantime, viewers can play his WWF drinking game!
Vince McMahon

Is ”RAW”’s storytelling driving you to drink?

I’ve had it.

As WWF programming continues to turn into wallpaper before my very eyes — title belts being tossed around like they were M&Ms; lackluster feuds that are given no time to develop, and are just as hastily concluded; the McMahons forever issuing futile promises of seismic changes meant to set this ship right again; and a master dramatic plan still woefully out of focus — I’ve decided to dispense with in-ring analysis until I’m convinced that the masterminds behind the proverbial curtain can give us a consistent, well-thought-out show again.

If the Nielsen numbers are any indication, the WWF has been bleeding viewers for months on end, and rightfully so. But as disgruntled as I am with the current product, I’m determined to keep watching. So, in the interest of keeping the shows’ remaining audience in front of the tube, I’d advise those remaining core viewers, the frat kids, slackers, and shemps for whom this is still appointment TV, to find another way to enjoy the squared circle. To wit: The WWF Drinking Game.

Luckily for us, in addition to their ”official” catchphrases and finishing moves, the WWF superstars and on-air talent also offer batter us week after week with turns of phrase and phenomena that are as reliable as they are tiresome. So chill that keg, pay attention, and try to at least get some laughs out of the WWF’s ongoing cluelessness while they (presumably) scramble to concoct something truly worth watching again.

”Quite frankly” The use of this particular interjection, always frequent, has become downright epidemic of late. The worst offenders are the McMahons — in fact, Vince used it no less than five times in his curtain-jerking tirade last night on RAW (Mondays, 9pm, TNN). However, McMahon flunkie Triple H often works it into his rants, and even Jericho and Rock resort to it occasionally.

Jim Ross Of all the WWF personalities, none have the capacity for exhaustively repetitive phrase-turning like good ol’ J.R. While he too is a ”quite frankly” fan, his real stock in trade are hoary animal metaphors: Keep your ears peeled, as he may at any minute liken an in-ring combatant to a pit bull, a scalded dog, or a government mule. Also stay alert for the word ”carnage” and his peculiar mangling of sentence syntax (”A two-time women’s champion is Ivory”).

”In this very ring” Another McMahon fave, particularly for Vince and Shane.

Michael Cole While we all wonder how the execrable Smackdown! play-by-play man got his gig, and how long we’ll have to endure him, we can at least make sport of his near-complete inability to say anything interesting. Instead, behold his obsessive hyping of the night’s main event. He sells and sells and sells… and bores and bores and bores.

”No doubt” Cole’s long-suffering ”Smackdown!” partner, Tazz, likes to humor his milquetoasty cohost with this empty exclamation.

”Poop” This fecal synonym has been a fan favorite for many years, as countless marks have sought to get attention at WWF live events with signs like ”I have to poop,” ”I just pooped,” ”I poop too much,” you get the idea. Strangely, this practice occurs much rarer of late; bonus points if you can spot one nowadays.

”What?” Beware: If you’re imbibing at the mention of Steve Austin’s favorite punk-out line, know that this, much like a McMahon-led opening segment, can be a lightning round, as the paranoid rattlesnake is prone to shouting this rhetorical query into his opponents’ faces repeatedly.

Lastly, look alive anytime a WWF superstar ”guaran-damn-tees” anything.

Has the WWF driven you to drink…at least figuratively speaking?