What the country is talking about this week...

1 SIR RUDY Queen Elizabeth has knighted the mayor of New York City. He can now put the letters KBE behind his name. Right after IRT, BQE, and the GWB.

2 HEIST A gang of double-crossing, two-timing thugs plan one last big score to end their careers. But a few of them say they will vote against drilling for oil in Alaska.

3 BASEBALL PLAY-OFFS It all seems to come down to one thing: Whose fans have the best face paint?

4 ”WONDERBUM” PANTY HOSE They lift and separate your butt. Leaving your hands free for snacking.

5 MOLE 2 The ABC reality show has been postponed. It turns out the viewers are the ones who are undercover.

6 RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS Drew Barrymore makes every mistake a teen can make and everything turns out fine. In other words, a fairy tale.

7 SURVIVOR: AFRICA VS. FRIENDS And the winner is? The people who sell blank videotapes.

8 THE PHANTOM MENACE DVD It has hours of extra stuff that wasn’t in the movie. Like a plot.

9 REBA MCENTIRE In her new sitcom, Reba’s husband has left and her unwed teenage daughter is pregnant. You start to chuckle just thinking about it.

10 BOB DYLAN Security guards in Oregon were going to keep him out of his own concert. It’s not that they didn’t recognize him — it’s just that they’d heard him.

11 FROM HELL Opium-addled Johnny Depp searches for a serial killer of prostitutes in squalid 19th-century London. Finally, a movie for the whole family.

12 BILLY BOB THORNTON He’s afraid of two things: clowns and antique furniture. Who writes that Antiques Roadshow anyway? Stephen King?

13 MAIL SAFETY How do you tell if the mail is from a sicko? It usually says ”You may already have won” on the outside.

14 THE LAST CASTLE Prisoners teach warden James Gandolfini who really runs an Army jail. The sergeants.

15 MAMMA MIA! A musical built around 22 ABBA songs. You don’t leave humming the tunes; you go in that way.