The Real World: MTV
October 24, 2001 at 04:00 AM EDT

Nicole spews on her disastrous date

MTV is not disclaimer-shy. They’ve aired warnings before ”Jackass,” ”Beavis and Butt-Head,” and ”The Tom Green Show.” So why, oh why, was there no heads-up before Tuesday night’s literal pukefest of a ”Real World”? Why no hint that those with weak stomachs should not watch the Vomiting Nicole All-Bile Variety Show?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let us first discuss Bobby, the longtime object of Nicole’s affection, who came to visit for one night from Detroit. How excited was Nicole to see him? So excited she cracked open her extra-special makeup crate, which we got a glimpse of during her preening montage. Finally, she picked up Bobby at the airport, and HOOO BOY was he smooth — blue tinted glasses, ponytail, pencil moustache and soul patch smooth. Considering Nicole has as much as told him that she would sleep with him even if he showed up wearing blood-stained clogs and pants made out of old cereal boxes, and he STILL deplaned with a red rose and a bottle of Dom Perignon, well, that’s just above and beyond the call of smoothness. Granted, he looked like he was 15 years old, but he made it work.

Earlier, Nicole was not sure how to make sure bones would be jumped, and Lori advised her to make the first move. Would you want to take advice from Lori, she who’d hit on the jewelry store doorman last week, only to have him flirt with her and then confess he’s ”practically married”? Yeah, and while you’re at it, why don’t you ask the virginal Rachel for condom recommendations?

But Nicole decided that the recipe for a hook-up involves going out and giving Bobby lots and lots of alcohol. The one hitch in this plan is that Nicole cannot hold her liquor. Much champagne, fruity drinks, and a body shot later, she is in bad shape. Suddenly, her gastrointestinal system becomes the star of the show. A few steps out of the club, Nicole upchucks a steady red stream. And this is no subtle, ladylike pukette. No, this is a hands-on-her-knees, lean over a garbage can, wide open barf. And, frankly, this is not what I needed to see for my evening’s viewing. Bobby, on the other hand, doesn’t mind the show, considering he continues to munch on a chicken kebab as Nicole retches her way to the cab. I told you he was smooth!

If I remember correctly from college, this would be the time when someone calls the night a wash, and stumbles into bed. But Nicole is like a boxer who won’t go down. She is so determined to get it on with Bobby that even after repeated regurgitations at home, she still allows Coral to clean her up, give her a new coat of lipstick, and steer her back in Bobby’s direction. But then the two go up to the romantic gazebo, and Nicole daintily turns her head aside to let loose another stream. Most upsettingly, when the camera pulled back — presumably as the cameraman ran to save his shoes — I saw a big bag of Doritos lying on the floor in front of the couple. I’m not sure what the exact recipe for the worst breath ever is, but it definitely involves vomit and Doritos.

Coral intervened with some toothpaste to keep the nookie dream alive, but what Nicole really needed was an isolation booth. At this point, if Bobby had fooled around with her after watching all this, well, Bobby ain’t smooth. However, he didn’t make a move, leaving her with only a backrub, a couple of silky lines (”I drink slow…I do everything slow” — Oh, Detroit Bobby, you’re giving me the vapors!), a screaming hangover, and the vague feeling that Bobby was just playing her. What I was left with, however, was a burning question: Did she have a chance to cold cream her makeup off before passing out? Because otherwise the next morning her pillowcase would look like someone got into a pillow fight with Claude Monet.

Yes, there was a second storyline, once again showing how Coral was ”breaking down her barriers” and becoming a friendlier roommate. Yes, it was the same old stuff we’d been seeing the past few weeks, but I welcomed it because, well, it didn’t involve the loss of lunch. I did get worried, however, when the now-happy roomies all shared a boat ride in the Central Park pond, and goofy Mike decided to jump in. As a New Yorker, I know that that is one body of water NOT meant for swimming. I’m not sure if Mike caught anything during his dip, but I was just grateful that if he did get sick, I didn’t have to watch it.

What did you think of this week’s ”Real World”?

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