Fox ''Love Cruise'' offers escapist TV fare
Fox ”Love Cruise” offers escapist TV fare
Let me preface everything I’m about to write by saying that in no way am I trying to diminish the tragedy that our country is going through by expressing unadulterated adoration for Fox’s sublimely ridiculous ”Love Cruise.” I hope no one is offended. Call me crazy. Call me shallow. Call me in denial. All of these may be true. But after two weeks of round-the-clock CNN, about 73 anxiety attacks, and two fear-induced trip cancellations, I needed a release.
Maybe I’m the only one. After all, ”Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage” didn’t exactly score ”Survivor” ratings numbers in its first-week. But the offensive, repulsive, moronic, and chillingly low-brow sitcom — I mean, hour long drama — has won me over. Maybe it’s that watching requires negative brain cells. Maybe the people are pretty. Nah, ”Survivor”’s casting department bested these guys. Is it the boat? No way. Cruises are my idea of torture. Maybe that’s it. As sucky as my life seems at the moment, I’d rather be where I am than on that Caribbean cruiser. Now that that’s settled, let’s discuss the contestants:
ANTHONY This tattooed ”Zoolander” type recites poetry, confesses that his ”standards are soooo high” that no woman could meet them, and gets offended when Bob (the Kenny G look-alike who got the boot to ”Loser Island” on day one) criticizes one of his tattoos.
LAURA Sexy catsuit-sporting Laura was wrongly maligned by Anthony when he turned the rest of the water-ridden Y-chromosomes against her. But you know there will be some major action between Laura and Mr. I-haven’t-had-sex-in-five-years Tony (who is NOT the same guy as the aforementioned Anthony.)
ADRIAN and TOMIKO Though sexist Adrian managed to avoid expulsion, I have no doubt he’ll be drowned tonight, followed shortly thereafter by his ally Tomiko. If she wants to last another day, she needs to whip out that bikini and play well with others? even those who don’t salsa as well as she does.
LISA The hubby-seeking lawyer initially came off as a mousy yenta, but her admission that boys used to bark at her while she was growing up made me sort of like her (after I laughed out loud for about 10 minutes).
MICHAEL This nebbish-y guy is spending too much time trying to strategize and outbrain the rest of the shipmates. Considering that the passengers’ collective IQ (excluding Lisa) seems to be barely in the double digits, he shouldn’t sweat that part. But he’s got to lose the whole ”I used to be 200 pounds lighter” shtick and at least look like he’s having a halfway decent time.
TONI I’m obsessed with Toni’s eyes that seem to bulge out as if she were a cartoon character who just saw the hottest cat ever animated. Despite her fake assets, Toni seems like the one of the more genuine people at sea.
RALPH Frat-boy-type Ralph seems like the most likeable one aboard. Too bad about his man-jewelry fashion faux-pas and oh yeah, that unfortunate name.
MELISSA, DARIN, ANDREA… and some other blondes haven’t had cameras on them for more than three seconds combined so it’s hard to tell what their futures will be. Could they be the sharks circling in ”Love Cruise” waters?
What do you think about ”Love Cruise”?