What the country is talking about this week...

By Jim Mullen
September 07, 2001 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 BILLY BOB & ANGELINA A tabloid says she willed him two grave plots in Arkansas, and he gave her drawings in his own blood. Next anniversary: bug zappers.

2 LOST The new NBC reality show dumps people in the middle of nowhere so they must find their way back home. My parents told me it was a game too.

3 SHARK ATTACKS They say your chances of getting bitten are like 11 million to one. Sure, in Nebraska.

4 POWERBALL Four people will share $295 million. That sounds just like President Bush’s energy plan.

5 McDONALD’S Apparently someone running their contests conspired to scam all the prizes. You mean I could have been eating at Wendy’s all this time?

6 JCPENNEY They pulled an ad where a parent implies a teen isn’t dressing sexy enough for school. Because that’s Britney Spears’ job.

7 ”BECAUSE I GOT HIGH” A song about a guy who wasted his life smoking dope. When he could have been watching Gary Condit stories.

8 HARRISON FORD His wife filed for separation. She got sick of having to play Indiana Jones music every time he walked in the room.

9 PRINCE HAAKON The Norwegian married not just a commoner but a single mother. They met at a strip-polo game.

10 JEEPERS CREEPERS Something creepy follows a brother and sister on a road trip home from college. Their laundry.

11 MADONNA Her childhood home is going for over $1 million on eBay. Property values go up whenever she moves away.

12 THE LATIN GRAMMYS They moved from Miami to L.A. to avoid anti-Castro protests. And isn’t that what democracy is all about — forcing people you don’t like out of town?

13 O Othello set in a modern high school where the heroes are basketball players. If they made them read Shakespeare there, they’d know how this ends.

14 THE DIXIE CHICKS They’re suing their label for more than $4 million. If they get it, they could be the Dixie Checks.

15 RENT-A-PROTEST A dotcom will picket outside the White House for you. The sign says ”Not Very Committed.”