Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet
What the country is talking about this week...
1 DREW CAREY The comedian is recovering from a heart procedure. Hide those donor kidneys before he eats them!
2 AMERICAN OUTLAWS A stylish new version of the Jesse James story. In this one he kills people with his blow-dryer.
3 DAN RATHER The CBS anchor told his viewers to read a newspaper to learn more about stem cells. And to watch NBC if they want to know more about Gary Condit.
4 RAT RACE Vegas gamblers compete for a $2 million prize. From the lines, you’d think it was hidden in the buffet.
5 THE DIXIE CHICKS One reportedly just got engaged to another’s brother-in-law. If this keeps up, they won’t have to leave the bus to have a family reunion.
6 CAPTAIN CORELLI’S MANDOLIN Nicolas Cage falls in love with an engaged woman in WWII. Wouldn’t you know — it’s Private Ryan’s wife.
7 MISS AMERICA PAGEANT They may rename the swimsuit contest the ”lifestyle and fitness” competition. Hey, as long as we can see their boobs…
8 JACKASS Johnny Knoxville parted ways with the MTV show to focus on movies. You mean there are films Pauly Shore turned down?
9 FRANK SINATRA His widow reportedly wants $12.5 mil for their L.A. pad. But you must vow not to sing in the shower.
10 FABIO The ex-romance-novel cover boy is producing animated films. Unlike him, the characters are amazingly lifelike.
11 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS And the winners are: Giant Soul-Sucking Corporations That Make Fortunes Selling Trendy Crap to Teens. Same as last year.
12 VOSS Folks pay $2.50 for 13 ounces of Norwegian water in a fancy bottle. In English, V-o-s-s is pronounced sucker.
13 THE FACTS OF LIFE A made-for-TV reunion movie is in the works. In spite of popular demand.
14 DEAD LAST A series about a rock band whose members can see dead people. It was originally called The Non Sense.
15 DVDS Hollywood’s making billions off the discs. Which it plans to spend wisely on things like, oh, Pearl Harbor II.