1 BRAD & JENNIFER They’ve filed a $50 million lawsuit against the company that made their ”one-of-a-kind” wedding rings. As if he’s never said ”you’re the only one” before.
2 PLANET OF THE APES An astronaut crashes in a place ruled by arrogant, power-hungry talking apes. He’s trapped in an all-news network.
3 BONO The rock star is meeting with world leaders to get them to forgive Third World debt. And to go club hopping.
4 CELEBRITY Will the new ‘N Sync CD sell more than their last one? That’s all grown-ups are talking about this week.
5 THE REAL WORLD Protesters have shown up outside the Chicago house. Or did MTV cast them and send them there?
6 ORIGINAL SIN Angelina Jolie plays Antonio Banderas’ mail-order bride in colonial Cuba. Yeah, they both had a hard time finding dates.
7 TOUR DE FRANCE A 23-day-long bicycle race. Can’t they afford cars?
8 TAX REFUNDS Checks are out to poor, overtaxed Americans. Remember to have them forwarded to your vacation homes.
9 ABC The net promises only ”rat-free” reality shows. Talk about integrity. And it allows more time for sex and violence.
10 THE PRINCESS DIARIES A movie about a dorky teenager who finds out she’ll soon be a queen. Adapted from the J. Edgar Hoover story.
11 RUSH HOUR 2 Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker kick lots of people in the head. It’s what the first rehearsal for Riverdance must have looked like.
12 FIJI NATURAL ARTESIAN WATER The wildly expensive bottled water is the latest status symbol. When they try to impress you, say, ”Yeah, my dog loves it.”
13 JERMAINE JACKSON He may drop out of the Jacksons reunion because he thinks a $2,500 ticket is too steep. With him gone it’s only $2,499.
14 MADONNA There’s much talk about her new weight-lifter arms. They’re so striking you don’t notice the mustache and the goatee.
15 ARMY WORMS The caterpillars are eating their way across the U.S. Only one thing can stop them: Marine worms.