With NBC touting its Friends finale as the show ”you’ll be talking about all summer!” and other nets making similar dramatic claims about their season enders, viewers are indubitably nervous they won’t have any time for vacation what with the nonstop TV talk. Well, it won’t take ALL summer: In fact, here’s a helpful schedule for the network-dictated buzz.
Is Rachel really pregnant?
DATE WE’LL STOP TALKING Aug. 9
TALKING POINTS Could Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt be planning a real-life bun in the oven? Gossipy interest in this potential celebri-baby will linger for an entire trimester.
THE WEST WING
Will President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) run again?
DATE WE’LL STOP TALKING July 23
TALKING POINTS Reelection tension fades quickly, but memories of sexual tension between young Jed and Mrs. Landingham will cling creepily for weeks.
Scully (Gillian Anderson) has a baby and kisses Mulder.
DATE WE’LL STOP TALKING Aug. 5
TALKING POINTS David Duchovny is exiting after only a peck, so X-Philes will need three weeks to pen consummation fan fiction…and months of cold showers.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Did Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) die, sacrificing herself to save her sis?
DATE WE’LL STOP TALKING Sept. 3
TALKING POINTS The classic existential debate will drag on through Labor Day: Which is worse, death…or living on at UPN?
Did Charlie (Charlie Sheen) and Caitlin (Heather Locklear) ”do it”?
DATE WE’LL STOP TALKING June 1
TALKING POINTS Any mystery can only last so long — since wondering if Sheen will ”do it” is like wondering if a fish will stay underwater.
Who set the car bomb meant for top cop Jack Mannion (Craig T. Nelson)?
DATE WE STOPPED TALKING May 19 (the night it aired)
TALKING POINTS Viewers will struggle to think about anything but this startling event and…look, a dandelion!