May 25, 2001 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 FBI Should the same people who can’t find stuff in their own files be looking for guys on the Ten Most Wanted list?

2 APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX Francis Ford Coppola has added 53 minutes to his Vietnam epic. It’s now two hours longer than the war.

3 ROBERT BLAKE Did this guy ever give an interview where he wasn’t waving a gun or talking suicide? He’s making Robert Downey Jr. seem normal.

4 SEAN COMBS Seems the P. Diddy thing was a joke. I get it. Like me yelling ”Suge Knight’s behind you!” when he isn’t.

5 MOULIN ROUGE Nicole Kidman plays the star of the famous Paris nightclub. This is what Hooters was like 100 years ago.

6 BRAD PITT He may get into the high-fashion menswear business, but not under his name. The line will be called Tax Write-Off for Me.

7 THE XFL Transvestites on Ice could have pulled in bigger ratings. And they’d have had better-looking cheerleaders.

8 WOODY ALLEN He’s suing his longtime producer for profits he claims she owes him from his movies. Please, give him the 50 bucks and end it.

9 MAKE IT SO-SO Quantum Leaper Scott Bakula will play the newest commander of the starship Enterprise. And everyone else on the crew.

10 SURVIVOR The producer admits some scenes featured stand-ins. By those rules, I have a reality resume.

11 EMERIL LAGASSE The TV chef has his own sitcom this fall. It comes on right after The Ron Popeil Evening News.

12 HALLE BERRY She got a reported $500,000 bonus to do a topless scene in her latest movie. Yet do the poor writers get more for writing it?

13 SHREK An ugly old troll wins the heart of a beautiful young princess. Shrek is the troll word for movie producer.

14 OSCAR WINNERS A study shows they live longer than nominees. At the rate he’s going, Tom Hanks may live to 200.

15 J. LO She’ll produce and appear in an NBC special next fall. It’s called Murder the Competition, She Wrote.

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