Howlin' Wolf and Whitlow the Blank are well matched for the two part finale, says Justine Elias
Celebrity Boot Camp
Credit: Boot Camp: Fox

”Boot Camp” ditches the Moretti/y duo

”Boot Camp”’s most mismatched pair, Moretti with an I and Moretty with a Y, made their honorable exits May 9, ending weeks of semicontroversy (how did Fox manage to end up with two similarly named contestants? Were they somehow related?) and semiconfusion (well, I was confused, anyway). The two dismissed recruits seemed to sense their fates a day earlier, as D.I. Francisco (the guy with the completely shaved head) paired them up for the absurd task of sitting on the dock and….let’s let them tell it:

”So, what are we looking for?” Francisco sighed.
”Um, alligators and submarines?” Moretty with a Y replied, sounding hopeful.
”Alligators,” said D.I. Francisco, unable to fake enthusiasm for the whole mock military deal.
And they walked to the end of the pier. Moretti, Moretty. Waiting for an alligator. This is DEEP.

Did Fox hire a disciple of Samuel Beckett as a staff writer?

Here are some other matchups to consider:

D.I. ROSENBUM VS. WOLF The D.I.’s really seem to zero in on Wolf, whom they’d earlier busted for preening ”like a Calvin Klein model.” On Dismissal Hill, before D.I. Rosenbum delivered the news that Moretti has been voted out, he lingered sadistically near the nervous, twitchy Wolf. ”Guess what, Wolf,” the D.I. hissed in his ear. ”IT’S NOT YOU!” Of course, if Wolf hadn’t been so demonstrably grossed out and jumpy during the worm eating exercise, the D.I.s would have less to work with.

D.I. MCSWEENEY VS. WHITLOW Where Wolf is effusive, Whitlow is, as one of the dismissed players described her, ”a blank slate,” a valuble quality to get her through the rigors of boot camp, but kind of boring on TV. Even so, Whitlow got shrieked at when, after a reward for a completed mission (the foursome spent the night at the Ritz Carlton), she broke the rules by putting a hotel candy in her backpack. An outraged D.I. McSweeney, taking yet another opportunity to wreck the barracks, yelled, ”Another hotel guest was CHEATED OUT OF THEIR MINT!” And D.I. Rosenbum dared to question her moral fitness, screaming, ”I AM ASHAMED!” All this over a piece of chocolate? If someone had thieved a Ritz Carlton washcloth, would they have arranged a firing squad?

WHITLOW VS. WOLF What do we know about the two finalists? Jen Whitlow, 25, is a sales analyst for Campbell’s Soup in Atlanta (remember her dutiful ”M’m, m’m good, SIR!” bit in the first episode, just before a commercial for her employer?) and Ryan Wolf, 22, is a Philadelphia college student who is, to put it mildly, not lacking in self regard. Their favorite TV shows: ”The X Files” (Whitlow) and ”The Simpsons” (Wolf) Wait a second! Those are both FOX TV SHOWS! Coincidence?

Anyway, it’ll be an decent contest: Wolf has the athletic advantage, but the dismissed recruits decide who wins — and Whitlow seems to have made fewer enemies. How do you think ”Boot Camp”’s two part finale will play out?

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